ABS News Agency. July 4, 2007 - ABS News has just learned that thousands of Ron Paul supporters have stormed the White House, briefly taken it over, and interrogated Vice President Dick Cheney. After the interrogation, Cheney, along with Karl Rove and Ann Coulter, who were also found in Cheney's office, were tarred & feathered.
The supporters were emboldened from the recent successful Ron Paul rally in Des Moines, Iowa, and apparently incensed by the news that the Vice President's office had issued the orders to the FBI and CIA to conduct Operation Silencer, the operation to coerce the mainstream media into a media blackout on 2008 Presidential candidate, congressman Ron Paul.
The well-organized, well-armed Ron Paul supporters, known as American Freedom Fighters, descended on the White House, driving red white and blue painted SUVs and pickup trucks which they used to crash through barricades, followed by sports cars, sedans, motorcycles, bicycles and riders on horseback. Several helicopters overhead provide reconnaissance, one of which contained syndicated columnist and former Republican Presidential candidate Pat Buchanan, and radio personality Jan Mickelson. Mickelson has bravely covered Ron Paul on his show, in defiance of the media blackout.
Surprisingly, the initial wave of approximately 6,000 Freedom Fighters from the Washington DC area did not have to draw their firearms to overcome the White House security guards. The second wave of over 20,000 Freedom Fighters poured into Washington DC from surrounding cities, and also never drew their firearms. The only injury that occurred during the entire operation was when one of the security guards in the White House attempted to fire on the Freedom Fighters. His M-16 rifle malfunctioned, causing him to shoot a fellow security guard in the leg. The M-16 rifle was later determined to be a Chinese-made fake.
Alex Jones, a radio personality who has defied the media blackout on Ron Paul, along with defying most everything else, was on the ground with his bullhorn, guiding in the initial wave of Freedom Fighters and directing the traffic throughout the entire operation. Through years of investigation, and his recent infiltration of the White House as an undercover page, Jones had learned that the security guards guarding the White House were private security guards hired from the Blackwater Security firm. Jones had also uncovered that Blackwater was subcontracting these guards from Arbusto Security, owned by George W. Bush's cousin, Edward "Bud" Bush. Arbusto Security has had legal problems in the past due to the hiring of illegal aliens and convicted felons. Jones passed this intelligence on to the Freedom Fighters, who successfully used it to take control of the White House without firing a shot. Rachel, who was part of the initial wave distracted the security guards inside the building by unzipping her coveralls, revealing her negligee-clad figure, confirmed that many of the security guards could not speak English.
After taking over the White House, the Freedom Fighters burst into Vice President Cheney's office. Cheney was found in his office, engaging in what was termed as a "bizarre semi-sexual clothed threesome" with Karl Rove and Ann Coulter. Apparently the three were calling each other nicknames like "Adam's Apple", "Hillbilly Boy", and "Dark Star."
The Freedom Fighters interrogated Cheney regarding Operation Silencer, the media blackout on Ron Paul. According to English guitarist, producer, film star Keith Richards, an honorary Freedom Fighter who helped conduct the interrogation, Cheney first claimed executive privilege, and then claimed that he was not part of the executive branch. Later he claimed he was not actually the Vice President, but rather a convenience store owner who got lost on his way to breakfast. Eventually Cheney admitted to ordering the FBI and CIA to conduct Operation Silencer, and the documents ordering Operation Silencer were wrestled from Karl Rove as he dashed towards a paper shredder. Richards said he enjoyed flicking lit cigarettes at Rove, but took pity on Coulter, offering to share his makeup tips with the gangly blonde. "Just look at her. She's a dreadful thing," announced Richards, shaking his head "Perhaps if she felt better about her appearance, she wouldn't be so bleedin' mean".
Cheney, Rove and Coulter were later tarred & feathered, taken outside the building and paraded in front of the huge crowds of cheering Freedom Fighters and onlookers. The cheering continued as the Fighters left the grounds, and they took to the streets of Washington DC, causing total gridlock throughout the city.
Excited witnesses, first thinking the event was part of a White House 4th of July celebration, said the Fighters were very polite, even apologetic, and cleaned up the mess they had made as they were leaving.
Pat Buchanan was asked if he was surprised by the day's events. "I knew this would happen sooner or later" Buchanan said, "Cheney got what he had coming, but to be honest, I just came along to get a glimpse of Rachel and the other Libertarian ladies".
Charlie Sheen was spotted watching the events from a makeshift canteen that had been set up to refresh the Freedom Fighters. When asked what his involvement was in the White House takeover, Sheen exclaimed, while enjoying a Corona and cheese fries "Do you really think that when I hear that thousands of people are going to storm the White House, many of them hotties with guns, I'm going to stay home and watch Oprah? And they're serving beer and munchies?! HEL-LO!" Sheen added "this is the best 4th of July ever!"
Upon hearing of the Freedom Fighter takeover of the White House, and the other events of the day, filmmaker Michael Moore yelled, "Damn! And to think I've been wasting my time working on 'Sicko The Directors Cut'. I'd have given my shares of McDonald's stock to have been there with a camera! Damn!"
Presidential candidate, congressman Ron Paul was unavailable for comment. It is unknown if he had any prior knowledge of the White House takeover by the Freedom Fighters.
President Bush's office was contacted for his response to these unprecedented events. Spokesperson Lisa Jacobs said that the President, who suffers from pre-senile dementia, had been misplaced for several days. Jacobs said that it's not uncommon for them to lose the President now and then. She added, "Like a bad penny, he always turns up somewhere".