US private equity group Blackstone has agreed a $26billion all-cash deal to buy celebrity heiress and former jailbird Paris Hilton, in news announced yesterday.
Under the terms of the deal, Blackstone will pay $47.50 for each strand of bleached blond hair on Hilton's head, and $48.50 for each one, blond or otherwise, in her nether regions, a 23% premium over closing prices on Tuesday.
Blackstone say, after intense and prolonged negotiations, the details of the sale have been agreed with Hilton's horrible mother Kathy. The handover is expected to take place by the end of the year, and, in any event, in time for Christmas shopping.
Hilton, who was recently released early from a 45-day prison sentence, was happy with the deal, and said:
"I'm eager to turn over a new leaf and to help people. That's why I've signed this deal to help Blackstone do whatever the f*ck it is they do."