Washington -- It appears that President Bush is not as old as he has previously led everyone to believe. Accusations from an unknown reliable source claim that the leader of the free world is only 30 years old; which would make his age a negative-two when he was supposed to be in Alabama serving in the Texas Air National Guard.
Pundits, experts and talking heads have correctly calculated that it would be impossible for this to have happened. The White house is denying the report calling it "fictitious frivolous fodder." But no matter how he tries to spin it, the issue just won't go away; we won't let it.
In a failed attempt to squelch the squall, President Bush has released his birth certificate. It was presented in the form of microfiche for anal examination by reporters on the Roosevelt Room's west wall. It allegedly showed that he was born July 6, 1946 in New Haven, Connecticut, but critics and skeptics question whether this is a legitimate document or not.
Bush quickly pointed out that the birth certificate had three inked footprints on it; one left and two right. This, he claimed, was due to the fact that he was originally born with a third leg. "Would I make something like that up?" he queried. Reporters asked to see his scar from the removed appendage, but he of course refused which fueled even more speculation of his untrustworthiness.
No one questions the age of his wife Laura Bush (if he is indeed actually married) who is reportedly around 57, give or take. Democratic strategists hope that Bush marrying someone twice his age will repel the religious fundamentalists as well as the MTV crowd.
Still others are going so far as to suggest, seeing that there is lack of documented evidence to the contrary, that the alleged George W. Bush was never born in the first place; that he doesn't exist. They point out that he has been a figment of mass hallucination for the past four years and that Al Gore, to liberal delight, actually won the 2000 election running against a guy named Dana.