Written by B. Elliot Stern
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Friday, 13 February 2004

image for Condoleezza Rice Goes On Date
Rice Has Big Night On The Town

Washington, DC - National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice went on a date last night, her first since her sophomore year of college. A White House source confirmed that Ms. Rice did indeed go out on a blind date with someone they would only identify as Mr. Doe. The source also stated that the set-up was the idea of President & Mrs. Bush, who felt that Ms. Rice has been spending too much time with the first couple over the last three years, especially on weekends, and it was time for her to get out of the house and have a social life.

Secret Service agent Tom Elmore accompanied Ms. Rice & Mr. Doe on the date at the request of President Bush. The president also asked for Ms. Rice to call in every hour just to "check-in" to make sure she was okay.

The two began the evening at The Cheesecake Factory, a chain eatery known for its oversized portions and popular among the African-American and Arab crowds. Ms. Rice had the garlic meatloaf with mashed potatoes and some sort of greens. Mr. Doe enjoyed the baby back ribs.

According to Agent Elmore, the dinner was very pleasant. It was after dinner that things seemed to take a turn for the worse.

"After we leave the Cheesecake Factory, Mr. Doe decides he wants to take a drive with Ms. Rice around the district with the top down in his new Mercedes SL 500 convertible. Knowing that there was an 80% chance of rain I brought along an umbrella and pointed out to Mr. Doe that he may want to put the top up as a result. Lo and behold, five minutes into the drive, it starts to rain, so I open the umbrella to keep myself from getting wet in the backseat. Mr. Doe, not realizing that I had opened my umbrella, proceeds to put the top up, and before I know it, the top of my umbrella rips through the convertible top. I had seen something like this happen one time in a Brady Bunch episode when Bobby accidentally put his umbrella through the roof of the family convertible while Greg was trying to get busy with his date at the drive-in, but I thought that was just the magic of television at work. Anyway, Ms. Rice freaks out at me, yelling and screaming something about wait until President Bush hears about this. I think I may have ruined any chance she had to get any kissy face, but believe me, that chance was ruined when she decided to order the garlic meatloaf for dinner," said Elmore.

The White House this morning will not confirm if Agent Elmore has been reprimanded for his actions last night, nor will they comment on any rumors of a second date between Mr. Doe & Ms. Rice.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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