SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Pro-family advocates are outraged at a recent ruling here which redefines the bond that is traditionally known to be between a man and a woman. The case involves two cross-dressing male dog groomers who have their own business on the outskirts of the bay area.
It all started last June when one of the pair, Phillip, got an idea for a novel service to help attract new clientele. Johnson, co-owner of "The Straight Poodle," their salon, was trilled at the idea and immediately ran to the local flea-market (an ironic twist that the two dog groomers find amusing) to purchase needed supplies for the next day's kick-off party.
The new service consists of the two doggie fashion experts wearing nothing but grass skirts and top hats whilst dance-grooming their canine clients to the French remix version of Barry Manilow's hit Copacabana with the Discovery channel's episodes on animal mating habits showing on high-definition plasma TVs in every room. Afterward, all dogs are covered in bacon-flavored cheese whiz and get to lick each other dry.
The move didn't really attract new customers, but the two enjoyed it so much that they kept the practice alive. In fact, the dynamic dog grooming duo decided to make the government force everyone to recognize it as a tax-exempt federally recognized and subsidized religious ceremony. The ACLU is said to be internally divided on the issue.
Forcing everyone to recognize, as normal behavior, people wearing nothing but grass skirts and top hats while dance-grooming dogs to the French remix version of Barry Manilow's hit Copacabana with the Discovery channel's episodes on animal mating habits showing on the TV and afterward covering said dogs in bacon-flavored cheese whiz and letting them lick each other dry, seems noble to the ACLU's upper echelon. But others in the organization cringe at the thought of what is seemingly breaching the first commandment of people's rights -- separation of church and state.
A series of appeals made it to the 9th Circuit Court where the three-person panel unanimously decided that the new and improved dog grooming act should be legally and religiously recognized, but only under one condition -- that whoever does it must also wear an unzipped purple judge's robe with a cool looking glittery-gold "9" printed on the back of it. Wearing the grass skirt outside or inside the robe robe is left up to the individual(s).
Other people and organizations said to be lining up to get their own acts redefined as marriage are circus performers, serial murderers, lonely primatologists, and Larry Flynt.