Rob Johnson isn't a bashful man. When asked, he will readily show you the damaged anus left behind by over 100 anal probes administered by aliens. Rob holds the world record with most ever reported anal probings. With over 113 in all and over 20 this year alone, Rob is certainly what one would call an "inter-galactic" curiosity.
"Its hard to remember the full details of being abducted," says Mr. Johnson. "It's almost like you never left Earth. But you know you have, because you have a throbbing anus. A throbbing anus is of course one of the tell tale signs of an anal probing. That and the shaved ass."
But what answers did aliens hope to find in the repeated probing of Rob's anus. What clues are held deep in the tight grasp of his fleshy sphincter? What riddles hold answers far down in the recesses of Rob's cornhole?
"I don't know what they are looking for," admitted Rob. "But whatever it is, it sure has made me feel important. I mean, Clive Lewison over in Greenston, Alabama has the second most anal probings at 12. 12!!! Hell, I'm way ahead of that redneck bastard!!"
Rob's wife however has been extremely skeptical of her husbands prideful probing proclamations. Says Mrs Johnson "That dumb sonofabitch keeps going to this gay bar and then passing out. Suddenly later that night his anus hurts. You do the math."
"I'm not so sure the Frisky Pickle is a gay bar," says Rob. "Just a lot of friendly men. They ain't queer or nothing. They's just fancy is all."
Anal probings by aliens or an unfortunate product of passing out during "clothing optional" night at the local pub? These are the questions that plague Rob Johnson's life. "Listen, I have been abducted 113 times. That's all I know. I seen the little men in their leather pants telling me I was about to see stars. See stars!! You know, there are stars in outer space. Clearly I was abducted," Rob defensively explained.
But what mysteries lie deep down the lone Hershey Highway of Rob's backside? "I think they are searching for peace back there. I really think they are. When they are up my ass, all I hear is hooting and hollering. It sounds like a grande ole' time. These aliens are really on to something. Something big!" On to something big indeed.