Written by James Maynard
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Saturday, 23 June 2007

image for Travel Restrictions to Affect Republican Officials, Says Pelosi
A fire hydrant - an apparent favorite food of horses in Marshalltown, Iowa.

A Republican amendment to an appropriations bill, added by Iowa Representative Steve King, would forbid the use of government funds for officials traveling to Cuba, Iran, Sudan, Syria or North Korea.

This amendment is thought to be in response to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's recent trip to Syria, where she traveled under what she believed to be the guidelines of The Iraq Study Group. Since the introduction of the amendment, the Pelosi camp has chosen to refer to the Representative as "Steeeeeeven Kiiiing… Wwwwooooooooo…" purely for theatrical reasons.

King's amendment cites the 1799 Logan Act, which prevents citizens from practicing diplomacy; a law that no one in the country has been prosecuted under in the last 208 years.

In response, Pelosi's office stated that they didn't know why anyone wasn't allowed to practice diplomacy: "After all," stated Pelosi spokesperson Nadeam Elshami, "If Mister Bush had PRACTICED diplomacy first, maybe he would've gotten it right."

In response to King's amendment, Speaker Pelosi also announced she intends to introduce legislation which would hold King responsible if he was ever seen winking, or otherwise closing one eye and not the other in the presence of a female with whom he is not acquainted, contrary to Iowa Law. It is also against the law in Marshalltown, Iowa for a horse to eat a fire hydrant; a possible charge Pelosi intends to pursue against King and any possible equine accomplices.

Supporters of Republican anti-war candidate Ron Paul suggested that King's amendment was meant to keep their candidate from becoming a successful President. The idea is that since a President Paul would be engaging in diplomacy with these countries rather than just bombing them, cutting off the funding for visits to those countries would prevent peace from breaking out. "Yeah, I kinda see myself as a Mike Gravel in reverse," King was quoted as saying.

With the 2008 Presidential Elections just around the corner, Elshami added that should King venture to the first primary state of New Hampshire supporting a candidate, that he should be aware that "we know that the law there states that no one may 'tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or café,' so you better just watch it!"

A Jim Beam and Ginger Ale contributed to this report.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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