Deep within the lowest bunkers beneath the White House on Saturday, Vice President Dick Cheney ordered an intern in the employ of the administration to "Go Fuck Himself." To the astonishment of all, the plucky intern did just that, and in a stunning show of acrobatics and suspension of physical law earned a rare smile from the dour VP.
"I can't believe the little bastard actually did it," said a grinning Cheney, "he'll go far in this party."
The aide, a New Orleans native named Tom Flatus, said he was glad to serve his country and his Vice President. His only regret is that he is now a quadruplegic, though he is quite happy to have been promoted within the Administration from "Understooge" to the more dignified title of "Sally Brown-Nose."
Flatus expressed his excitement repeatedly from his wheelchair and has been invited to the Crawford ranch to go horseback riding with the President himself. When asked how he would ride a horse without the use of his arms or legs, he responded in true neoconservative fashion by chiding the reporter for his "defeatist" acceptance of reality.
"After all," said Flatus, "If I can literally go fuck myself, then I can certainly ride a horse!"