Washington D.C.- In a rare bi-partisan press conference, each of the current eighteen candidates for President of the United States gave their positions on fiscal policy.
Seven of the Democrats promised to not raise taxes, despite promises of socialized health care, increased welfare, increased spending on defense, education and rainbows for all.
Former Alaskan Senator, Mike Gravel, broke ranks with his colleagues saying, "They're all crazy! In my day, we killed our dinner and burned whale oil for warmth. Wait, what's the question?"
On the Republican side, there seemed to be more understanding, but just as little substance.
"I'm going to give you some straight talk," said McCain. "I'm going to cut all 30 billion dollars of our budget that goes to pork barrel." Senator McCain refused to answer questions about what he would do to cut the other 2.87 trillion dollars in the budget.
Mitt Romney was in favor of expanding the budget, but then was quoted as saying "Oh wait, I'm using my Massachusetts positions right now, I'm supposed to use my conservative President ones." By the end of the conference Romeny was promising to reduce the budget more than Ronald Reagan.
Rudy Giuliani stated, "I'm personally 9/11! opposed to the budget, but I think we shouldn't interfere with 9/11! a politician's right to waste tax payers' dollars. I guess the point is 9/11! that you can't take 9/11! options off the table when dealing with these rogue fiscal radicals. And that includes a nuclear first strike."
Tommy Thompson said something, but his turkey neck distracted anyone from hearing what he was talking about. Jim Gilmore also said something, but it was forgettable like everything else he says. Tom Tancredo blamed our fiscal crisis on all immigrants, legal or illegal, and President Bush. Sam Brownback favored partitioning the budget between Sunnis, Shi'ites and Kurds. Duncan Hunter wanted a double-fence, named after him, to be put up to prevent legislators from entering Congress and creating a budget. Mike Huckabee made a joke about some Democrat's hair.
Ron Paul was the most outspoken on cutting spending, promising to end most federal government agencies, subsidies of all kinds and eliminating the postal service.
"Our founders' government did very little besides run the post office. I don't think I'd support even that."