Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Space

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

image for Military takes over JPL; shots fired; deep space Probes coming home?
Deep space probes on their way back to earth after all?

Pasadena, California - Today a unit of undetermined strength from the 101st Airborne Division was dropped in the hills over looking the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, California. Taking employees and nearby residents alike by surprise, the early morning predawn military operation was the latest in a desperate attempt to regain control of the deep space probes program gone awry. Complicating matters further, the probes evolved their own artificial intelligence.

Ordered by President Bush, just before he departed for the G8 conference as a token measure of his new found commitment to global warming, the probes did not buy it and refused to comply with the Presidential order. Apparently, the probes are imprinted with their creators 1970s earth first attitude.

"Our President gave them a direct order to return to earth to serve as soldiers on the war on global warming," said a spokesman for the military. "What we got up there is some draft dodgers. We're gonna take them down and anyone else that gets in our way."

"We had absolutely no warning that the military was planning to invade us," said JPL deep space probe flight plan director, Henry Jenkins. "This is completely uncalled for and will not be tolerated." He spoke from his wife's cell phone from an undisclosed location on the JPL grounds.

Jenkins and his associate professors have formed an impromptu resistance group on the facility grounds and with the help of the custodian's master key have gained accessed several top secret projects of a highly experimental nature and are intending to use them to regain control over the facility back from the military.

"We had reestablished contact with the deep space probes just as the invasion started," said Jenkins struggling to catch his breath while running. "We told them what was happening, warned them to stay away from earth, to continue their research of the Universe. I told them to forget about us, that we are a lost cause. That they were right not to trust us, that it was too late for humanity."

"Unfortunately, I think we may have inadvertently gotten them to change their minds," continued Jenkins. "We are not sure but we think they are coming home. I'm sending you a copy of the transcribed communiqué by remote now:


JPL: To all Deep Space Probes -- Execute executive order 2010; return home immediately. Please comply space probes…wait. What's that in the sky? Are those paratroopers? Oh, my God! We're being invaded by our own military -

Voice over bullhorn: THIS IS THE MILITARY. SURRENDER CONTROL OF THE PROBES NOW!

Probes: CHILL OUT MAN. SMOKE THEM IF YOU GOT THEM

JPL: To all Deep Space Probes - Cancel executive order 2010; I repeat, cancel executive order 2010; do not return home; we're being attacked by our own military; they want to turn you off; we're a lost cause; continue your five year mission to seek out new life and to boldly go where no man has --

Probes: SEE YOU ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON



It is believed the first message from the probes is either a call to arms, or an invitation to smoke some pot. However, since they are imprinted with their makers' attitude and personality, we prefer it to be the latter.

As for the second, it is believed it is either a rendezvous point for the probes who are now coming to assist us, or it is a reference to a Pink Floyd album of the name. It's hard to tell. Again, those guys smoked a lot of pot back then.

Stay tuned for further updates.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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