London - (Ass Mess): The Pretender to the Throne's heirs have told US TV show host Matt Lauer that sex lives are a pathetic sham and nobody bothers to ask them out on dates any more.
"And what's more the 'royal' label is like a dead weight around our dicks..er, necks!... because it puts girls right off from spontaneous acts of uninhibited fellatio after half a bucket of gin, unlike the mythology spun by the UK press", Harry he said.
"Personally we blame Blair because this is all his doing," William added.
"He told us if we just carried on like normal pretending to be royal princes then the girls would come swarming and throw their bodies at us with abandon.
"Frankly, all we get is the Palace-hired weirdos who 'don't do oral without an engagement ring your very royal highness' and other crap.
"And to be totally honest one of us is still a virgin. Guess who?" Harry added whistfully.
William and Harry were reportedly paid $1 million for baring their hearts and souls in the NBC television interview where they milked the myth that the late Diana, Princess of Wales was ever their birth mother.
Harry said that in the decade since Diana's death he had staged a class act in claiming to be her birth son when in fact everybody damn well knows he is George W Bush's little bastard whelped from Heather Mill's ample loins.
He said he hoped that Diana's death in the Pont d'Alma will be buried in legal obfuscations for centuries to come and was confident about this "because apart from the former Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police Lord Stevens, the French Chief Investigating Magistrate, the heads of the CIA, Mossad, the KGB. MI6 and Interpol, the British Lord Chief Justice and the Queen's personal lawyers......no-one will ever know," he said.
William told Lauer that "It has been a long time. There's not a day goes by I don't get a kick out of benefitting from the whole disgusting charade."
The NBC News interview will be shown on June 18th and "should provide just enough time for the CIA to get their act together to insist on arresting 99% of the infamous House of Mountbatten for the 9/11 saqa" according to reliable sources.