SEAWATER, CA (AP Newsliar) -- The spinach industry filed a joint lawsuit against Popeye the Sailor Man today, sources reported. The suit alleges that Popeye violated contractual stipulations related to his obligations as spokesman for the spinach industry.
"I can't stands spinachk," Popeye was overheard remarking to a waiter at the posh five-star LaBierge restaurant during an anniversary dinner last month with long-time beau Olive Oyl. "I've eaten enuff spinachk in me life to kill a fucking Kraken. If I ever sees spinachk again, I'll pukes me gutsk out."
These comments follow an earlier episode at Diver Dan's Karaoke Bar, where, after butchering the classic Pink Floyd song "We Doesn'k Needs No Edjumacashkun", Popeye took advantage of his time at the microphone to dispel persistent rumors of his penchant for spinach.
"I just wants to take this oppkertunikty to states for the record, I hates spinachk!" Popeye was heard to exclaim. "It's taskes like shitk! I doesn'k eats spinack no more and I haven'k in years!"
Says Howie Cheatum (of the firm Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe), lead attorney representing the spinach industry: "These kind of negative comments are just not appropriate for a spokesman of the spinach industry. Sales have plummeted nationwide in recent weeks as a result of these outbursts, and we are seeking reparations."
"I would also like to point out to the public," he adds, "that Mr. Popeye's strength has plummeted precipitously in recent years, no doubt from the lack of spinach in his diet. Why, just last week he tried to catch a falling piano and was driven ten feet into the pavement. No longer is he strong to the finichk. Well fuck, now he's got me doing it."