Written by NickFun
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Saturday, 9 June 2007

image for Abstinence Program Fails; Bush Sets Puberty Age at 18
Shawna, age 12, and Brenda, age 11, are oposed to Bush's plan.

A Study commissioned by Congress promoting abstinence only programs has proven completely ineffective in preventing or delaying teenagers from having sexual intercourse. Therefore, President Bush has set the minimum age for puberty at 18 for all U.S. youth.

"The problem is that teenagers are going through puberty at much younger ages than they did 30 years ago", Bush stated. "Therefore, I have signed legislation setting the minimum age for puberty at 18". I am sick and tired of hearing about children going through school with bad grades simply because of this puberty thing."

Acting Surgeon General Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H. said that with proper hormonal treatment puberty can be delayed indefinitely. "Desperate time call for desperate measures", Moritsugu stated. "By delaying puberty we can prevent children from having sex, reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies and eliminate the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases".

"I have seen girls as young as nine with breasts and pubic hair", Moritsugu continued. "And I have heard anecdotal reports of boys that age getting erections. Mr. Bush and I agree that we must set a definite limit before it gets totally out of control".

Doctors and scientists do not fully understand why children are going through puberty so young though there is a consensus that the only way to stop it from happening is medical intervention.

"We will increase border patrols to prevent young people from going to Canada or Mexico for puberty", said Homeland Security Director of National Intelligence Mike McConnell.

Not everyone favored the change to the puberty age. "If he pulls this off I'm leaving the country", said New York Pharmacist and father of three John Bakerman.

Bush did say that children who have already started will be allowed to keep their puberty, albeit in a more hormonally balanced way.

The Bill is expected to be approved by the House but may face a opposition from the hornier, Democratically controlled Senate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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