After pressure from many Republicans to pardon Scooter Libby, President Bush has settled on Paris Hilton instead.
"Ms. Hilton should not be faulted for her drinking problem," he said. "Many people who enjoy one too many go on to become the president. If I had been behind bars instead of in the bar, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am confident that one day President Hilton and the nation will thank me."
When Mr. Libby requested the same treatment as Ms. Hilton, President Bush responded, "I would have considered it if he had downed a couple bottles of Cuervo and woken up in a Tijuana whorehouse, but unfortunately, I don't see any future for him as the President of the United States now."