Written by Warren Redlich
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Topics: Drugs, War on Drugs

Friday, 8 June 2007

image for War on Drugs Ends: Drug Supply Runs Out
Say goodbye to your favorite drugs

The War on Drugs has ended due to a lack of supply, according to a report from DBS News.

Communities around the world have been experiencing dramatic drops in crime along with increases in productivity over the last several months, but the changes had not previously been explained.

Scientists attributed the supply problems to global warming. Heroin, cocaine and other illicit substances are manufactured from specific crops like poppies and coca plants. These plants were sensitive to excessive heat, and the increase of 0.3 degrees Celsius over the last 100 years was too much for them.

The production problems have led to some bizarre incidents and consequences. For example, drug lord Carlos Mencia de Gonzalez surrendered to authorities in Colombia due to lack of funds to support his militias. He drove into downtown Bogota in a 3-year-old Mercedes with a flat tire and tint peeling off one of the windows. Whorehouses and strip clubs worldwide are struggling to find workers. Burglaries have declined and police now investigate the few that do occur. Students are doing better on standardized tests.

Environmental groups have decried the situation as a degradation of biodiversity, and called for increased efforts to stop global warming. "The coca plant is the canary in the coal mine," asserted Dr Rajendra Pachauri, the world's leading expert on the phenomenon. Pachauri warned that tobacco crops could fail next.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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