"We just don't understand it," says Dr. Hiram Frumkin, head cardiologist at the exclusive Foggy Bottom Health Center for the Power Hungry, "there's just a dark, opaque cube where the vice-president's heart should be."
Cheney's medical files indicated he should have a heart, so all assumptions were that it had to exist. Some assumed a medical screw-up made by a low-paid compiler.
The vice president did have a heart at one time, apparently, who really knows, his wife and family aren't talking; but if he did, it's gone now. Not that he needs one, of course, given his history.
On the other hand, complete heartlessness has definitely been a help in such endeavors as getting to where he is today, sending young Americans to Iraq, reducing Baghdad to rubble and so forth; still, it's pretty amazing that he can twist that many arms without a measurable pulse.
Dr. Frumkin indicated that MRI and CAT scans had revealed some sort of object where the vice president's heart should be, but they have no idea of its function. "Whatever's in there is completely immobile; early tests indicate that it may be some kind of supersecret military device employing dark matter. That would fit in very well with the vice president's political profile. We're going to run whatever tests we're allowed to, and release our conclusions in a few days."
Dr. Frumkin could not be reached for further comment, as there was no record that he had ever existed.