Written by dalepetrie
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Topics: Death, Washington

Wednesday, 4 February 2004

image for Deadly Toxin Found in Senate Mailroom, Govt. to Spend Millions on Boob Investigation
Lawmaker demonstrates why boobs should not be on TV.

Washington, D.C.

Earlier this week, the deadly toxin known as Ricin, a substance which is twice as deadly as cobra venom and can produce death within 36 hours of exposure, was found in the mailroom of Senator Bill Frist, prompting the U.S. government to launch a multi-million dollar investigation into Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction. Under pressure from FCC Chairman Michael "Sonny-Boy" Powell, and his daddy, Secretary of State Colin "Nepositm" Powell, Congress has been urged not to let the dangers of seeing an unclothed body part go unpunished. "This is exactly why we need to allow all media in this country to be controlled by 3 large, responsible, Republican controlled companies who know better and can decide for Americans what they should or should not be able to see on TV," the younger Powell said. "This kind of filth is exactly what those bleeding heart liberals would want to spend your hard earned tax dollars on…left to their devices, we'd be seeing hardcore pornography on the major networks within 2 months."

President George W. Bush was quoted as saying, "Ricin is a deadly substance, and the act of mailing it to a Senator is an act of terrorism. We must fight this terrorism at home and abroad. Our first step has to be the cleansing of the television airwaves. Terrorist operatives have infiltrated our most cherished institution of the Superbowl, by exposing our nation's children to the filth that is the unclothed female breast, and we must ensure that those responsible are brought to justice. Today, Congress will send me legislation authorizing law enforcement to do whatever they need to do in order to fight this great menace to our society. Our airwaves must be free of nudity, so as not to damage the fragile minds of our children, who would surely sow the seeds of the destruction of our society were they able to see a nipple other than their own before the age of 18. We must assure that our airwaves are devoid of any images of uncovered erogenous zones, so they may harbor the truly beneficial programming depicting murder and other violent crime, so that children will know the horrors of this world, and not the pleasures. This surely will make our nation stronger and will weaken the resolves of those who would terrorize us."

Though we at the Spoof were not quite sure how exactly keeping the TV airwaves nudity free would in any way address the issue of the Ricin found in the Senate mailroom, we were assured by a White House insider (who wishes to remain anonymous), that this move is consistent with the strategy the Bush Administration has successfully employed in the past. "The last time Congress was terrorized like this was when anthrax was found in Congressional mailrooms a couple years ago. In that incident, no one was arrested or charged, no leads were found, and basically nothing was done to directly address the issue. But here we are a couple years later, and we have captured Saddam Hussein, and no one in Congress has anthrax…coincidence? I think not! It was the right decision to focus our attentions on something wholly unrelated then, and it's the right decision now."

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