The Senate announced today that it passed a bipartisan Election Reform Bill with unanimous support. The new bill rules that the five biggest international media corporations will replace the fifty states in the electoral college which selects the United States President.
Arizona Senator John McCain, who co-chaired the bill with Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, said "It was time for comprehensive reform. Our old system had clearly become outdated."
Kennedy chimed in, "It's time to stop pretending that the people elect the president and streamline the system down to the bare essentials."
In the new system, each media conglomerate will receive a specific number of electoral votes based on a complicated formula involving market capitalization, return on net assets and ego size of their top pundits.
Those electoral votes will be auctioned off with each of the candidates submitting multi-trillion dollar bids to the media giants. The electoral votes for each big media player will be awarded in the same winner-take-all manner that our antiquated "By the People, For the People" system has used for the last two centuries.
"This is a great day for America!" claimed Summer Redstone, President of Viacom. "Now we can eliminate all the back-room deals that have permeated presidential politics for the last fifty years. This is the kind of transparency the American people have been asking for."
In a related story, FoxNews has officially declared Mitt Romney the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election.