Washington Toast - It was reported today, according to TheSpoof.com's usually unreliable sources, that Vice President Dick Cheney has decided to run for President of the United States, suggesting the other chicken liver candidates were second string, rope jumping sissies.
When health issues were gingerly raised, he noted that John McCain was years older, and reporters better clam up about his health. He had a Halliburton, nuke powered pacemaker that was going to still be ticking when the sun goes out.
Questioned about front runner and top fund and fear raiser, Rudolph Giuliani, Mr. Cheney went ballistic. "That blabbermouth! Get real. This country will never vote for a President named Rudolph. There's a big difference between Santa Claus and Washington D.C."
He went on to explain that besides Rudolph and his ex-wives and their ex-husbands, and his present wife, her ex-husbands and their ex-wives and ex-husbands, they add up to a gang, using revolving doors and make a joke out of the institution of marriage. He added something about the cross dressing photographs of the ex-mayor in fish net stockings, lipstick and mascara, suggesting a vote for that guy and Al Qaida has won and we'll have honor killing in the streets of this country.
Cheney dismissed Romney saying he looked like the groom on top of the wedding cake, adding that the guy spotted his wife when she was only fifteen. "Hark! She's thinking hopscotch and he's thinking, My bride." He added with a smirk, "But maybe he was brainwashed."
Cheney said the Republican candidates looked like B actors from central casting. Questioned whether he would select anyone from the B list as a Vice President, Cheney broke into a laughing spell, and like young Mr. Grace, required oxygen. "Nah! I need some real meat. The inconvenient truth is I have to go green; a recycling, conservation, alternative energy, reusable stuff, peace candidate as a running mate to clean up some history, and my people are talking with Robert Redford. We'll promise him a redwood tree, and swift boat him into becoming my running mate. I'll be in the White House for eight years. Swift boat the Constitution, and make it sixteen years."
"Somebody say something about giving me a free redwood tree?"