Anchorage, Alaska - (Ass Mess): Senator Ted Stevens has spoken to the press for the first time about jacking off his Girdwood house from the ground in 2000, adding a new first storey and then replacing the old first floor on top:
"Jacking off's an old family tradition where I come from.
"I'm so well known for it they even named Anchorage International Airport after me.
"When I'm in DC I'm jacking off all the time, tryin' to bring the House down.
"Why else d'ya think they dubbed me the 'Drama Queen of the US Senate'?
"About that house remodelling. Pals at VECO had the tools, helping me jack off at Girdwood and clean up after.
"VECO's our oil industry's graft specialist. They're now building a prison in Barbados. Guess they didn't get the Gitmo contract."
Stevens has been fingered by two top VECO executives who have done a bribery, corruption and embezzlement plea bargain over big oil's courtship of the Corrupt Bastards Club.
This week's anouncement by the FBI that his domestic refurbishment contract may be part of the cosy graft arrangement with VECO has sent a shiver down the spine of the US Justice Department where Bush-appointed lawyers may be next to answer questions about which CBC members they have personally favored.