Washington DC With international pressure growing on the US to reduce carbon emissions and streamline energy usage, a 5-year plan to maximise renewable energy sources was unveiled by senior White House spokesmen yesterday.
"After due review of multiple potential energy generation schemes, we have narrowed down to a short list of 3 for in-depth feasibility studies." said Hank Kerchief, senior spokesman for unpopular topics.
The list of feasibility projects are:
- Recycling of liposuction medical waste into biofuels; Kerchief detailed "The average output of a good sized clinic could create enough energy to move a mid-size SUV and driver all the way from Santa Monica to Beverley Hills, and half the way back again"
- Burning old people; "Senior citizens have a surprising amount of energy stored in a compact and relatively mobile package, and as more people would qualify for burning every day it is infinitely renewable."
- President Bush to wire Condoleezza Rice to the national grid and rub her head vigorously with a balloon; "Our top scientists predict that this could light a 15 watt lightbulb which is enough to heat a hamster cage."
Officials are particularly excited about the third option, and estimate that if the project is rolled out nationwide, the energy expended could help address obesity issues, another White House priority; "We could give tax breaks to those who choose to wire up at lunchtimes, evenings and weekends and rub balloons. It could turn into a social phenomenon - you could rub with family, colleagues and friends. The possibilities are endless."
"You thought it was just a crappy science experiment in school - but it could save the planet.."