ALMONT TOWNSHIP, MICHIGAN (CIA TODAY) --A red stealthy F-22A Bomber glided low into the town of Almont Township today. The test target. WalMart Super Center at 555 E. Genesee Street. In its' payload an innovative weapon guaranteed to improve the retail chains fortunes & bottom line. They call the 10-megaton W.M.D (Weapon of Mind Development) a Smart Bomb.
Wal-Mart spokesperson Kory Lungberd had to confess that the, "Secret test assembled jointly by the CIA and A.R.T.S. (Association for Retail Technology Standards) was developed to improve creativity and boost the average mental capacity, which now stands at Pre-Cro-Magnon levels throughout the stores organization. Starting from the CEO on down, we needed to at least match some of the mental brilliance possessed by some cart pushers which are light-years ahead of anything you will find from the knuckle-dragin' sister-screwin' Yahoos at Bentonville, Arkansas, corporate headquarters"
Kory also admitted to the thinly-veiled cover story of David Noordewier, 36, an award winning ten year associate who was supposedly fired from his position for "gross misconduct -- integrity issues", When in reality had posted, on His MySpace.com website, leaked information exposing the secret operation. Leaving the company with red-faced embarrassment & the store chain's true mission by agreeing with David's joking statement that suggested, "...average I.Q.s would increase if a bomb were dropped on every Wal-Mart."
CEO Lee Scott was contacted at his office in Arkansas to comment on the story. Scott's secretary was not able to connect us to the CEO because, "He is trapped in his private restroom, unable to come out because their is no toilet tissue to wipe his butt with. I can hear him crying in there."