Illinois Senator and democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama unvieled what he calls a "Universal Health Care and Insurance Plan" that will insure that all U.S. citizens have medical insurance coverage. The plan will also cause those currently with insurance to save slightly over $200 a month from their premiums.
Details of the plan are as follows:
1. Doctors will earn less. "Most of them are republicans or white jews who ain't gonna vote for me anyway, so I say that they all make less. If they charge their customers less, then less goes into their pockets. That way, they can't make no more big contributions to other candidates."
2. No more malpractice lawsuits. "It's all the malpractice suits that drives up insurance and medical bills. Doctors are human and make mistakes too. It shouldn't cost them any money, but from now on it will cost them on the old biblical eye for an eye principle. If they accidently amputate the wrong foot, then they're losing a foot also."
3. Open up all of the Hollywood and television hospitals to more patients. "You ever watch one of them soap operas where half the characters are doctors? They never got no patients and always have time to do their nurse in the linen closet and get caught by someone. If we make those hospitals start handling real patients, the stories on them soaps might change, but it'll cut down on the number of illegitimate Hollywood children."
4. Have a medical bill lottery. "Right now, we got lotteries for education. Let's have lotteries for medical bills! Some flat chested white woman who ain't happy with her titties and wants implants ain't gonna be able to get 'em unless she wins the powerball jackpot! That fatass couch potato woman who wants liposuction cuz she can't leave the french fries alone better hit a pick six."
5. Let school nurses practice medicine. "They're at school with your kids eight hours a day, but they gotta have your permission to put on a bandade. Let 'em do the jobs and you won't have to miss a day of work to take junior to the doctor for every flu bug that comes around. The school nurse can just give you the antibiotics. She can get the pills from one of the school drug dealers (and we know they all got 'em) and that'll save you a trip to Walgreens too."
6. Increase the price of sponge baths by nurses. "Every man's favorite part of the hospital stay is the sponge bath by the hot, blonde nurse about to bust out of her candy striper uniform. If we make these baths each $100 bucks for basic, and more for happy endings, we can cut the cost of hospitalization for everyone else in half."
7. Use that fancy stuff from Star Trek. "Back in the 60's, Doctor McCoy used all these fancy gizmos and never once stuck a thermometer up someone's ass. That doctor from Next Generation is also sure to raise a lot of spirits, if you know what I mean! What about that hologram one in Voyager? We could have hologram doctors in every remote area of the country and that way no one would have to move to the sticks. Make them give us all this technology and it will help a lot more people."
John Edwards, Hillary Clinton, Bill Richardson, and the other Democratic candidates declined comment. The only reply from an unnamed source at Republican National Headquarters was "is this idiot for real?"