Written by Doug Powers
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Topics: White House, Iran

Saturday, 31 January 2004

image for John Kerry and Teresa Heinz-Kerry accused of selling ketchup to Iran, N. Korea
Destructive: A child "huffing" ketchup

In a stunning development in the race for the White House, presidential hopeful John Kerry, and his wife, Teresa Heinz-Kerry, have been accused by the Department of Homeland Security of selling ketchup to known enemies of the United States.

The allegations, if proven true, will mean that the Kerry's have violated a federal law, recently enacted by the Department of Homeland Security, which prohibits the sale of any of what is known as the "Axis of condiment evil" (ketchup, mustard, pickle relish) to nations which pose a clear and present threat to the United States of America.

Republicans are claiming that the huge shipments of ketchup were attempts by John Kerry to raise campaign dollars while skirting election laws.

The shipments were discovered in New England warehouses waiting to be shipped overseas to Teheran, Iran, and Pyongyang, N. Korea, and had return labels displaying the address of the Kerry's Boston townhouse.

In addition, a check made out to the "Kerry for President" campaign, drawn on the "First Fundamentalist Bank and Trust" of Isfahan, Iran, was found in a mailbox near the warehouse.

The check, signed "definitely not anybody in Iran", was wrapped in a handwritten note which read, "Many thanks for making hot dog better, ketchup wielding infidels."

In addition, human rights groups may get into the fray.

"Kids in some of these countries aren't used to the toxicity of western foods," according to Glenda Farber, of the International Coalition Against Everything.

"They 'huff' it, especially ketchup, which gives an addictive tomato paste high. They end up on the streets begging for money...their minds shot and their lives ruined, just so John Kerry can win the nomination. It just isn't right."

It should be noted that Ms. Farber was wearing a "Bush/Cheney 2004" t-shirt during the interview.

So far, Kerry's campaign hasn't lost any momentum because of the scandal, but a videotape in the possession of Attorney General John Ashcroft, purportedly showing John Kerry selling a trunkload of ketchup to Yasser Arafat, could change all that.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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