Written by Roger Rabbit
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Topics: Drugs, sugar

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

image for NovaCane - the new wonder drug.
Columbian Marching Powder - One taste and you're hooked!

Scientists in Los Angeles have biologically engineered a new stimulant from sugar cane. The new drug called NovaCane should replace other products in this burgeoning area of consumerism. Marketing suggests that the so called 'Columbian Marching Powder' will be no longer be the first choice for party goers in the USA.

Fidel Hacienda, the CEO of World Sugar, told a packed audience in Las Vegas that the new substance is extracted from ordinary sugar with a special process that does not involve wearing masks. It will be cheaper than a burger from MacDonald's and available through your favourite supermarket in the sugar aisle. It will be a straight substitute for white sugar and even kids can afford it, enthused the sugar magnate. It is a win-win situation for all those poor parents who will be able to watch television in peace at a low price. Crime will also drop as supermarket managers will not be selling it on street corners or outside schools.

The Fairtrade Organisation were overjoyed at this announcement as it will release farmers from the narcotics trade and allow them to produce more cocoa beans. There is more money to be made in Fairtrade chocolate (at a 30% mark up) than farmers ever earned from the cartels.

World Sugar is also working on guns made out of cane fibre.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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