Written by dalepetrie
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 29 January 2004

In a stunning leak from the White House, a Microsoft Word template has been forwarded to news sources around the world.  Reportedly taken directly from the White House's servers, the bottom left margin of the document shows path name
H:\WhiteHouse\President\Bush\
Speeches\StateOfTheUnion\
SOU.tmp, which it is reported is the template used by Mr. Bush when creating his State of the Union address each year.  "Admittedly each year there are some changes, much of what is in here he would not dare say" the anonymous source was quoted as saying, "but the major points that Bush is actually thinking and will want to stress in some fashion are clearly left in the document, to make it easier for the President, who can't type very well (much less read or write) to fill in the blanks."

Apparently this template was created in anticipation of Bush's 2002 State of the Union Address, and so far has not been modified.  What follows is the exact script as it is written in the template:

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests and fellow citizens:
 
America blah blah blah blah blah.  Blah blah blah blah American blah blah blah blah war on terror. Blah blah blah blah blah America blah blah.  Blah blah blah terrorist blah blah blah blah Homeland Security blah blah AmericaAmericans blah blah blah. The American economy blah blah blah.



<Hold for applause from ½ of Congress>


Blah blah Congress blah blah terrorists blah blah blah head up my ass blah blah blah. Blah blah blah tragedy blah blah war blah blah blah. Americans blah blah, the American people blah blah blah the state of our Union is confident and strong.  Blah blah I'm a moron blah blah blah American people. Blah blah blah Sept. 11, 2001 blah blah blah America blah blah blah exploiting this great tragedy and your fears blah blah blah.


<Smirk for Camera>


Blah blah blah PATRIOT Act, blah blah blah blah PATRIOT Act blah blah blah blah PATRIOT Act.  Blah blah terrorists blah blah blah Sept. 11 blah blah blah al-Qaida.  Blah blah blah nuclear, chemical or biological weapons. The United States blah blah blah Taliban blah blah blah blah al-Qaida killers. Blah blah blah blah Taliban and al-Qaida.  Blah blah America blah blah United Nations blah blah Saddam blah blah blah blah Saddam supporters blah blah blah scare the bejeezus out of you blah blah.


<Make a lame and incoherent joke here>


Blah blah blah terrorists, blah blah blah Iraq blah blah blah hot anal sex with John Ashcroft blah blah blah Saddam Hussein's evil regime blah blah blah weapons of mass destruction blah blah blah.


<hold for applause from ½ of Congress>


Blah blah blah blah American economy blah blah blah blah child tax credit, cut taxes on businesses blah blah blah jobs are on the rise because they pretty much couldn't go any lower at this point. Blah blah blah blah blah economy.


<Dig something out of left ear and look at it>


Blah blah blah blah No Child Left Behind Act blah blah blah blah I am the antichrist blah blah blah No Child Left Behind Act blah blah blah. We expect our President to be able to read and do math at third grade level -- and that is not asking too much. Blah blah blah No Child Left Behind Act blah blah blah.


<hold for applause from ½ of Congress, being flipped the bird by the other ½>


Blah blah free ownership of government by businesses blah blah blah overpriced healthcare for all who can pay blah blah millions of people to buy their own damn health insurance.


<adjust underwear>

Blah blah blah America blah blah blah the institution of marriage. Blah blah blah blah Defense of Marriage Act blah blah blah blah I am worse than Hitler blah blah blah the sanctity of marriage.  Blah blah blah kill all those rump rangers blah blah blah.  Blah blah blah God hates fags blah blah blah. Blah blah blah religious institutions. Religious charities blah blah blah free handouts to churches blah blah blah, amend the Constitution blah blah blah throw out that stupid separation of church and state blah blah blah will discriminate against them blah blah blah don't mess with Texas.


<Hold for applause from ½ of Congress, get mooned by Teddy Kennedy>


Last month a boy/girl/man/woman in <insert city here> sent me a letter/postcard. It began, <make up something, blow huge amounts of sunshine up own ass>.


Blah blah blah, I'm so freakin' great blah blah blah blah, four more years and I'll have this whole damn country destroyed blah blah blah.


May God bless the United States of America. Thank you.


<Mutter under breath>  Suckers!

Make dalepetrie's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 5?

7 20 4 11

Go to top