Frostbite Falls (Spoof News) Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, gave birth today to an 8 and a half pound baby boy.
"This has been an fascinating gestation period," said Dr. Bob Laub, head of obstetrics and gynecology at Millhouse Nixon Hospital in Frostbite Falls, Montana, where Mary and her partner Heather Poe live. "It's a well known fact that Ms. Cheney is a lesbian-not that there's anything wrong with that-and she is completely unaware of how she became pregnant. In fact, as soon as the baby was delivered, a sample of its flesh was removed and sent to the lab for an immediate DNA analysis at the behest of the Vice President."
Preliminary results of the DNA analysis were so startling that a consulting zoologist from the University of Chicago, Dr. Ira Flensberg, was flown via Air Force 2 to take part in an emergency meeting with the Vice President, Dr. Laub, and Mary's mother Lynne Cheney.
Dr. Flensberg spoke to a small crowd of reporters this evening. "Preliminary DNA analysis has shown that the baby boy's DNA is completely derived from his mother Mary. No male was involved at all.
"Now it has been shown recently that female sharks have become pregnant through parthenogenesis-essentially self-impregnation-but this is a new discovery. It is theorized that subtle changes to the female shark's physiology, brought on by global warming, are responsible for the changes. It could be a frank and dire warning-physical changes heretofore unseen could be happening to homo sapiens now as well.
"On the other hand, reptiles sometimes experience parthenogenesis. That would not be unusual," said Dr. Flensberg.
"That's a bunch of bull-crap," said the Vice President. "Look-this parthen-o-whatever wasn't brought on by the so-called global warming." He hesitated for a moment and then sheepishly resumed speaking to reporters. "Look-I freely admit it. I'm 1/16th reptile, OK? Just 1/16th and since Lynne is pure Mary is only 1/32nd reptile. But I guess that was enough for parthen-o-what have you. There is no such thing as global warming, America."