Written by Stanley Harris
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Saturday, 23 June 2007

According to knowledgeable insiders, Rick Hilton, grandson of famous hotelier Conrad Hilton and father of Paris Hilton, today closed a rush real estate deal that makes him sole owner of the LA Century Regional Detention Facility.

Hilton claims his daughter Paris's recent problems with the law and impending incarceration in Century Regional was the inspiration for his purchase. According to Hilton, there is a growing need for privately owned prisons that cater to the rich and famous while they serve out their debt to society. Hilton thinks the public will both be appeased and relieved that their favorite celebrity law breakers serve their sentences in no danger of being assaulted by lower income felons.

"This deal is good for government and voters," said Hilton. "I'm changing the name of the place to The Hilton Rock. We will cater to only the upper crust of criminals. Each suite of cells will have premium cable but no DVD player. Hot tubs will be small. No saunas. Room service will be closed at precisely 11pm every night. New sheets only every other day. Believe me, The Hilton Rock will seem every bit a prison to the kind of guests we will be hosting."

Government officials contacted in the California penal system deferred to Governor Schwarzenegger on the matter. According to the officials, they don't remember anything.

Governor Schwarzenegger and Rick Hilton reportedly have been friends for years. In a press release issued by the governor's office, Schwarzenegger revealed that he made the deal with Hilton to offset a sudden, serious shortfall in the Century Regional's operating capital.

Detractors have charged that the governor is simply catering to the wealthy on the deal, primarily as a means of making Paris Hilton's time in jail more comfortable. Schwarzenegger has a different explanation: "I'm not stupid. If I were going to cater to the rich, I wouldn't do it right out in the open. I didn't get to be governor by showing videos of me and my good friend Willie Nelson smoking pot. Paris Hilton lived in mansions all her life, so putting her in one of the little cells for normal felons would be cruel and unusual punishment. I'm sure the next thing I hear will be that I did Rick a special favor because of his big campaign contributions. My record shows I don't give in to anybody. I did this for California."

Asked if his purchase was simply a ploy to protect and further spoil his daughter, Paris, Rick Hilton assured doubters: "Paris will get no special treatment."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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