Written by dalepetrie
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Tuesday, 27 January 2004

image for New Hampshire Primary Mistakenly "Won" by Bob The Builder
Can I Win It? Yes I Can!

In what can only be described as the mother of all administrative errors, a mix up in the New Hampshire State's Attorney General's Office, caused the votes of primary goers throughout new Hampshire to be invalidated, while results of a grade school poll of who should be our next President were mistakenly certified as the actual results.  In New Hampshire as sort of a ‘fun' class project for grade school students, each student is asked one week before the New Hampshire primaries who they would vote for if they could vote in the primary elections.  The results are tallied by the Governor's office, which in turn has the results couriered to the State's Attorney General on the evening of the Primary, allowing the Attorney General to announce the actual results, along with what the results would have been if grade school kids were allowed to decide the primaries. 
 
Apparently this year, the actual Primary results were delivered at the same time by the same courier in the same type of envelope as the grade school results.  It  is reported that Attorney General Peter Heed was extremely tired on receiving these results as he had been up all night smoking geef and watching reruns of Ren and Stimpy.  This led to Heed opening the grade school results and certifying them as the actual results without regard to their review.  Unfortunately, once election results are certified in the State of New Hampshire, they become unchangeable for any reason.  As such, the results of the Kids' Primary as it is called, are now the certified Primary election results for the state of New Hampshire, meaning that New Hampshire's 22 delegates will head to the Democratic convention this summer to cast their votes for Bob the Builder.  The actual results were destroyed in order to avoid lawsuits by any of the candidates.  "Nothing we can do about it now, even if we did know who should have won," commented Heed on the situation.
 
Political experts say it is unusual, but not unheard of to have a cartoon character certified as the winner of a state election.  Apparently this happened once before in the 1960s when voters turned out in protest and cast their votes for Bullwinkle J. Moose.  Also, we were reminded that our current President is fictitious, having been appointed to the Presidency rather than elected per the U.S. Constitution. 
 
The certified primary results however do not show a quorum for Bob the Builder, and given the peculiar circumstances of his win, when reached for comment, Bob (last name Perkins), said that he has decided not to seek out the nomination in other states, despite being told that the New Hampshire Primaries often provide a substantial bounce to the winning candidate.  The actual results were as follows:
 
Bob the Builder                             10%

Thomas the Tank Engine                9%

Jim Carey/Jimmy Dean                    8% (tie)*

George Bush                                   7%

Spongebob Squarepants                6%

The Wiggles                                    5%

Bear In the Big Blue House             4%

Pokemon/Rolie Polie Olie                 3% (tie)

Joe from Blue's Clues                       2%

And in a tie for last place with 1% or less of the vote were Franklin, Winnie the Pooh, Little Bear, Barney, Britney Spears, Batman, Superman, Outkast, Tom Brokaw, Geoffrey the Kids ‘R' Us Giraffe, Tom Clancy, Ronald McDonald, Clay Aiken, Dennis Kucinich, Eric Cartman, Raffi, Elmo, Christina Aguilera, The Arby's Oven Mitt, Ed Edd & Eddy, Spiderman, Harry Potter, Frodo Baggins, Joe Lieberman, Homer Simpson, Jessica Simpson, Ozzy Osbourne, Kelly Osbourne, Mr. Hankey, Dom DeLuise, Nemo, Simba, Maisy, Caillou, Jack Black, and Donald Trump.
 
*It is assumed that the kids responding meant John Kerry and Howard Dean

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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