Ottawa, Illinois - (Ass Mess): McDonalds has market tested its wholesome organically-grown new pot bruger Happy Meals on an eight year old who received a lighter, a pipe, and bag of weed in her lunch bag according to Ottawa Police Chief Brian Zeilmann.
The little girl's father Keith Irelan and his other two children got their regular orders as they went through a McDonald's drive-thru on Monday to order Happy Meals.
"To be honest, I was surprised little Maisie got the weed because she's kinda anti-smoikin' and what have ya, what with all the stuff kids are taught at school these days.
"The first we knew about it was when she told her Ma that there was a cute litte lighter in her Happy Meal.
"I had a look at it and thought 'some new promo the company's tryin out localwise'.
"But when she then said 'Daddy see the other cute little toys I got with the lighter', I kinda got suspicious and found the pipe and bag of weed.
"About half an ounce of golden sinsemillia, maybe one hundred bucks' worth, plus a Mexican pipe.
"Not bad for a $3.95 Happy Meal given that it's special promo week."
Irelan said he had no choice but to call the cops.
"If there had been nobody else there I might have just taken care of it and not said a thing.
"But my wife's a Sunday School teacher and saw what happened. So I couldn't just confiscate the stuff without her knowin'."
Police officers soon arrived and a McDonald's employee, Brandon Scott of Ottawa, was fired on the spot, then arrested and charged with possession of cannabis and possession of drug paraphernalia.
Irelan and his wife still haven't come up with an explanation that their eldest daughter has taken on board.
At school this week she twice asked her teachers 'what does potburger mean at McDonalds?' and 'why did everybody laugh because I found that pipe in my Happy Meal?'