Voting in the United States is now a thing of the past, thanks to a new constitutional amendment passed by congress which is intended to eliminate any possibility of voter fraud.
"These past couple of years, it has been our intent to see to it that a repeat of the 2000 election would never happen", said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Ca). "This amendment ensures that voter fraud, or even allegations thereof, will never occur. When there are no voters, there is no voter fraud."
The new constitutional amendment gives full authority to research company Zogby International to conduct polls, and the nation will abide by whomever Zogby says is ahead in their polling data.
Zogby polls are widely known as the most accurate in the country. Congress was considering using Time/CNN polling data to choose the next president, but the deal fell through when Ted Turner insisted on conducting all polls himself.
A spokesman for Zogby explained how it will work. "There are 300,000,000 people in this country. We'll take a random sampling of 1,004 of them, ask them who should be president, and the remaining 299,998,996 people will have a president chosen for them. They won't have to be bothered voting, and they can rest easy in the knowledge that the candidate who wins our poll is the person they would have chosen in the first place."
"It's really a flawless plan," The spokesman continued. "The margin of error is plus or minus 3%, so if two candidates are that close, within the margin, the winner will be determined by coin toss."
This reporter tried to get a quote from John Zogby, but he was busy taking deliveries from politicians from around the nation. For example, a Waterford Crystal vase elegantly filled with crisp $100 bills was sent by the "Dean for President" campaign with an engraving of "Congratulations on your new responsibility."
Zogby also received a dozen roses from the Bush administration, with a note reading, "Congrats, ol' buddy... I won't need to decide that you're storing WMD in your living room, will I? ::nudge nudge::"
The Zogby spokesman concluded, "We as a nation have been on a constant search for ways to not have to get off our butts. Thanks to congress, now we can still have the president we wanted, and not have to miss a minute of 'American Idol' or the end of the game."
(Authors note: At press time, in a stunning turn, the Zogby poll had John Zogby leading President Bush by 5 points, and ahead of Kerry by 7 points)