Written by Jalapenoman
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Wednesday, 16 May 2007

image for Teachers Upset Saltpeter Put In Their Food
Put it in their cupcakes and they can't have their cupcakes!

For many years, private schools and boarding schools were accused of putting saltpeter (Potassium Nitrate) in the food of their male students to keep down their sex drive. With the recent increase in numbers of teachers sleeping with or molesting students in high schools and junior highs, cafeteria workers have begun putting this in the teachers' food also.

Since 2005, one school district in California had reported one hundred and sixty-eight different incidents of sexual contact between students and educators. In the last nine weeks, since the additive has been put into the food, the coffee pot in the teacher's lounge, the candy jar in the secretary's office, all baked goods, and all vending machine candy, nothing.

Teachers are up in arms since they discovered what was happening. "I have my rights," said math teacher Brad Hungwell. "If I want to flirt with a woman of any age, I have that right of free speech guaranteed under the constitution. If we choose to become consenting adults, we have that right. This is just slowing down my action. Even Viagra won't help. I teach eighth grade for a reason!"

When asked to define "adult" and the age required to be a "consenting adult," Brad was somewhat evasive. "If they got all the equipment in all the right places and they want to get it on with me, they're adults."

Charges are pending on this discovery last week of this teacher in a hot tub with three junior high school students. All were found naked in the water, but when they stood up to flee when caught, one member of the group was not standing at attention. "What a waste of a Friday night and a couple of six packs," added Mr. Hungwell.

While prosecutors cannot charge him with criminal sexual penetration, they can charge him with providing alcohol to minors.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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