Written by Jalapenoman
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Tuesday, 15 May 2007

image for Bush Speaks At Cheney Testimonial
The President really loves this Dick

President George W. Bush spoke today at a White House Press Conference tribute to Vice President Richard "Dick" Cheney. It was a black tie affair in Washington D.C. Ann Carter of The Washington Times said that "The President offered a touching tribute to his whole life spent with the Vice President. It moved us to tears."

Excerpts from that speech are reprinted here for the first time:

"The Bush family and the Cheney family go back many years because both of us were involved in the oil business. I love Dick so much that he is more to me than a brother, more to me than a best friend; it is almost like Dick is a part of me. Those feelings are so tender that I can't call him just Dick, because he's my Dick.

"One of my first memories is of playing with my dick as a young child. The older kids made fun of him, because back then he also had no hair. They'd tease out of jealousy because I'd rather play with my Dick than with them.

"I also remember giving my wife Laura her first experience with Dick. It was in the backseat of my car at a drive-in movie theatre. When the movie got real exciting and Dick passed out and went all limp, Laura brought him back with her girl scout first aid training. Artificial respiration to Dick made him sit up straight and let him enjoy the rest of the evening!

"When I have a problem, I sit down somewhere in peace and quiet and talk with my Dick. There's some push and pull, some give and take, but in the end there is always a happy conclusion to the discussion. I hope...no, I know that Dick has done for you what he has done for me over the years. It's Dick that makes this country great today!"

At the conclusion of the speech, all of the writers were so moved by the emotion that they were all crying, rolling on the floor, and holding onto themselves.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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