ON THE USS JOHN C. STENNIS (UPI) -- From an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf, US Vice President Dick Cheney warned Iran on Friday that the USA will "do anything" to ensure that Iran stops selling its oil in Euros and thereby sending the US dollar down the toilet.
Cheney had fled Washington, DC since his name had appeared as one of the top clients in the address book of an infamous prostitution agency and needed something to divert the media.
"We'll keep the sea lanes open," the seasick Cheney said from the hangar deck of the USS John C. Stennis as it floated within range of Iranian supersonic cruise missiles which could sink the vessel.
"I am following the orders of my Zionist masters by threatening Iran also," he said, then violently vomited on the deck. "Israel wants to continue stealing Palestinian land in peace, and wants to keep its boot on the neck of all Arab and Islamic countries. Israel also wants to have the only nuclear bombs in the area. Not that Iran is enriching uranium for that of course - Iran wants to use nuclear energy to replace its dwindling oil supplies."
Standing in front of a dozen F-18 Super Hornet fighters and a huge American flag on the humongous hangar deck, Cheney continued to throw up.
"We want to complete the mission of grabbing Iraq's oil for US Big Oil under long-term contracts, you know, really get it done right, and return like dishonorable scumbags," he told the Stennis crew and assorted butterball reporters.
"And you also know how I've enriched the coffers of sleazebag Republican companies like Halliburton with giant multibillion dollar contracts in the illegal, murderous and immoral Iraq war."
Some 4,000 of the carrier's 5,000 sailors and Marines stood in sweltering heat of over 100 degrees to hear Cheney speak and watch him finally faint.
"We'll go to any lengths to grab foreign oil for American SUVs and monster homes with our extremism and strategic threats. We'll continue to subjugate the poor and dispossessed throughout the planet," he finally gasped upon regaining consciousness.
After returning from the carrier in an ambulance helicopter, Cheney had dinner with United Arab Emirates Crown Prince Sheik Mohammed bin Zayeddyzapperrapper Al Nahyanyanyannimanman, who asked for and received further bribes to support further US warfare against Iraq and Iran.
On Saturday, Cheney made a fence-mending visit to the feudal, sleazy kingdom of Saudi Arabia which has lately been giving Iraq and the USA the cold shoulder. Cheney enjoyed a relaxing stay at several Saudi harems run by the hundreds of super-rich Saudi princes.
Cheney then met with Saudi King Abdullah who has increasingly sent signals that he thinks the US troop buildup in Baghdad "is a crazy fucking idea, just like the idea of war against Iran."
Abdullah's recent snub of Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, the American puppet, was aimed at showing Saudi Arabia's concern that the Iraqi government is a boot-licking bunch of monkeys toadying to US oil imperialism, just like the governments of Aghanistan, Egypt, Israel, Saudi Arabia itself, Jordan, Germany, Kuwait, France, Canada, Australia, Poland and Britain.
Iraq, like Iran, is heavily Shiite, while Saudi Arabia has a mainly impoverished Sunni Muslim population.