Written by dalepetrie
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Monday, 26 January 2004

image for President Bush Pens New Book, Prematurely Leaked to Press
Picture for dust jacket of Bush's new book.

A disgruntled former White House Aide, who has asked to remain anonymous due to members of his family being employees of the CIA, has handed over a photocopy of an early draft of a new book written by U.S. President George W. Bush.  The book was to remain a highly guarded secret, and was to be released the Tuesday following Bush's ultimate assumption of power for a second term as President some time following the so-called elections to be held this November.  In it, President Bush outlines many initiatives and policies which he is expected to summarize in a January 2005 State of the Union address, whether he is elected by the American people in the 2004 elections, or re-appointed by the Supreme Court to a second term 5 weeks later.

 

The book, entitled "Mein Queer", focuses on what Bush calls the "gay threat" to American society.  Bush passionately describes the systematic queer assault on the foundations of American civilization, and how their attacks on our most cherished institutions such as marriage, will destroy the very moral fabric of our country if they are allowed to continue unabated.  In the book, Bush goes far beyond his previously stated "first step", a Constitutional amendment protecting the sanctity of marriage from gays and lesbians, to describe a systematic method of identifying and neutralizing the homosexual element, first in the U.S., then throughout the world. 

 

After a Constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage, civil unions, sodomy or anything that a straight person would consider "gross" is passed, phase 2 will focus on the identification and then registry of all known GLBTs.  According to sources inside the Pentagon, a secret 3 trillion dollar project, spearheaded by Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, is already underway to create an unfailingly accurate handheld "Gaydar" device, which would be used by the Secret Service (or SS as Bush refers to them), to root out even the most closeted queers.  Meanwhile, the foreign operations portion of phase 2 would begin similar implementation of queer search and registry in every US controlled country.  Currently only a small handful of other nations such as Iraq and Afghanistan are controlled by the U.S., but Bush projects 85 countries to be under U.S. rule by December of 2007.  On hearing of Bush's plans for world domination, French President Jacques Chirac immediately surrendered to the first American tourist he could find. 

 

In phase 3 which would begin after the completion of most of the U.S. portions of phase 2, all registered GLBTs would begin to lose rights, first their driver's licenses, then their right to own property (the seizure of personal property by the U.S. government will finance a permanent moon base which is part of phase 10 of the Bush plan, titled "Operation Universal Conquest", while the real estate is earmarked for other things as described below).  Eventually, all registered offenders would have a giant letter Q emblazoned on their foreheads, and would be subject to beatings at the whims of straight citizens.  Q's (pronounced like "Jews", only with a Q) as they would be called, would not be allowed to walk on sidewalks, eat in restaurants, be seen in public, or leave their homes, which would no longer technically belong to them.  This systematic breaking of their wills would pave the way for the next step in which all Q's would be contained.

 

Phase 4 would see the establishment of a small section of each large city into which all Q's would be forced to move, after which bricks would be laid to enclose the Q's within.  The newly vacated homes would be razed and structures would be built in their place, serving as free headquarters buildings for America's Fortune 1000 companies, and palatial estates for the CEOs of these corporations. 

 

After living in squalor for a few months, phase 5 would begin wherein Q's would be removed from this newly created "ghetto", and sent to MECs or "Medical Experimentation Camps" as Bush calls them, the expectation being that most Q's would incorrectly believe that no place could be worse than the ghetto.  Bush then outlines a few more phases, though he does not outline what is to happen in the MECs.  His only cryptic comment in regards to this phase, which seems to have no direct correlation to the MECs, is in regards to Bush's expectation that the price of soap will go down dramatically after the completion of phase 6.  

 

In the concluding paragraph to his treatise, Bush had this to say, "…by the end of 2008, we will live in a world under one government, controlled by the chosen people of America, and free of all deviant behavior…in this world we will all be free.  Free to live under the rule of the one true God, and the mighty hand of the large corporation and its wealthy directors.  This world will be free from sadistic dictators, but will instead run by one world dictator, yours truly, appointed for life to oversee the morality of our world, and to make sure that we never again allow homosexuals to attack our most cherished institutions."

 

Publication of the book was pushed up by 10 months following the leak, as Bush expects it will not offend his core voters, and doesn't anticipate something as trivial as an election to stand in the way of implementation of his great plan anyway.  Already, conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh, and Fox News correspondent Bill O'Reilly are singing the praises of "Mein Queer", and are reportedly celebrating by refusing to wear their normal suits to work today, in favor of "God Hates Fags" T-shirts.  In what is the only bad news for the neo-conservative movement, on hearing the news, Ann Coulter had an orgasm so fierce that it triggered a brain aneurysm, killing her instantly. 

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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