President Bush today, in the face of growing pressure about the war in Iraq, announced that General George Patton would replace General David Petraeus as commander of the Multinational Force in Iraq.
"The going's gotten tough," said Bush, "and we need to put our best foot forward. Patton was the best of his time, and we need him now."
In order to bring Patton back from the dead, Bush called on a variety of resources ranging from Nancy Reagan's astrologers to ultra-secret CIA programs that had been pioneered by his father, the first President Bush. The breakthrough that led to this scientific achievement came from a mid-level bureaucrat in the National Science Foundation, a Dr. Stein.
In his first day on the job, General Patton said he looked forward to getting back to work, and thanked "Doc Frank" for getting him out of "that damn box." Asked about working with the coalition partners, Patton responded, "I don't care what idiot languages they speak, as long as they kill those Arab sons of bitches!"
Upon that remark, reporter Hisham Abu Taha from the Arab News stood up and angrily attacked Patton for making a racist remark. Officials at the Baghdad Hospital report that Taha is recovering well from his wounds.