CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington, D.C. - Today, in an effort to reduce Social Security payments and stop frivolous lawsuits, President George W. Bush urged Congress to outlaw anything that might cause cancer.
"We did pretty good on stopping smoking, but now we've got to outlaw breathing and eating. Breathing harmful stuff can cause cancer," said Bush. "Eatin' all kinds of stuff causes cancer, so the best way to deal with it is to outlaw breathin' and eatin'. That should put a end to frivu... frivo... frevul... unwanted lawsuits."
Republicans rallied to the president's side in support of the new laws, while Democrats spoke out against the president's suggestions. "A lot of people like to eat and breathe and I doubt that our constituents would support such a bill," said Hillary Clinton.
"As you know, my position is clear -- I'm the commander guy," said President Bush. "Either we'll succeed, or we won't succeed. And so, what Sen. Clinton is saying, some early signs, still dangerous, but give me -- give my chance a plan to work."
Sen. Obama commented, "Your plan in Iraq hasn't succeeded so far. Why should we believe this plan will work?"
"My job is a job to make decisions. I'm a decision -- if the job description were, what do you do -- it's decision maker," replied the president.
George Bush then took Air Force One to London to visit his lover Tony Blair. "It's been two weeks since we've had gay sex and I want to get it on before the wedding," said Bush as he departed.