Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Monday, 30 April 2007

image for Miss 'Captain' America joins crime fighting forces with 'America's Most Wanted'
Miss 'Captain' America's Flag -- Not to be confussed with Miss USA's 'Ethnic' Flag

New York, New York - Making good on a pageant promise to take a bite out of crime, Miss 'Captain' America, as law officials affectedly donned her, Lauren Nelson, joined crime-fighting forces with American's Most Wanted famous crime fighting advocate host, John Walsh, according to an interview last Thursday on the Today Show.

"Criminals will never under estimate the crime fighting power of poise and congeniality ever again," vowed Walsh.

Nelson, and Walsh, recently went undercover with the New York Police Department special crime-fighting unit, specifically created after Miss USA, party-girl, Tara Conner, photos surfaced earlier in the year, showing her underage drinking and French kissing, minor, Miss Teen USA, Katie Blair, in a New York City bar.

"You might think its not that big of a problem," said Nelson. "But they're out there; older beauty pageant queens relentlessly stocking and seducing younger attractive underage beauty contestants with alcohol, drugs, and full open-mouth, make-out kisses without their boyfriends present."

Critics, however, charge the practice as nothing less than the first salvo in a beauty pageant war between the owners of the Miss America beauty pageant and that of the Miss USA beauty pageant, owned by Donald Trump.

Posing as a teenager wearing a pair of Daisy Duke shorts, cherry pattern bikini top, Hello Kitty backpack and a wire, Nelson bravely set out into the night last month to infiltrate the dark seedy tongue and belly piercing under world of the Miss USA pageant, accompanying undercover camera crew in tow.

Barhopping and clubbing in New York City's most trendy taverns throughout the night and into early morning, Nelson did not find a single Miss USA contestant out partying.

Later, after hours, touting a Miss Teen USA tiara, banging on hotel rooms doors of Miss USA contestants, while yelling out, "I'm scantily clad and feeling particularly venerable without my chaperon tonight; anyone for mixed drinks and illegal drugs back my room?!" Nelson, again, had no takers.

Law enforcement officials readily admit they have turned a blind eye toward beauty pageant crime, "Occasionally, we'll be called out to take an incident report on a catfight between beauty contestants," said New York Police Department Lieutenant, James Smith. "But usually since its two girls fighting with pillows, dressed in their pyjamas and jumping up and down on a bed, we don't write it up; we just video tape it and let them off with a warning."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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