Written by Cal Jennings
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Sunday, 29 April 2007

image for Cal-el Makes Bid for Presidency
Cal-el Tapping the Power of the Universe

CCN (Crazy Cal News) - West Virginia - Cal-el, illegitimate half-brother of Kal-el, has announced that he will be running for president in 2008. If elected, he would be the first Kryptonian elected to U.S. Office. This was made possible by the Democrat's Amendment to the Constitution which they passed in order to allow Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for President.

Cal-el intends to run as an independent in his newly-formed LibertyOrDeath Party. Some of his campaign issues are as follows:

  • Strip back the Constitution to the one written by our forefathers
  • Restore the Bill of Rights to their original form
  • Stop the phony "War on Drugs" that just serves to help fund the CIA
  • Fund the 420 Campaign
  • Legalize Marijuana to end the dependence on cocaine, crack and meth
  • Stop the phony War in Iraq
  • Reinstate the Monroe Doctrine
  • Use money saved by stopping Iraq War to rebuild and restore Social Security
  • Put an end to discrimination and reverse discrimination
  • Settle the War between Alaska and Texas and restore Peace to America

Cal-el said, "We need to end Gangsta Rap music which preaches hate and bring back some good ol' 60s and 70s love music... maybe a little Perry Como to boot. As John Lennon said, 'All you need is love.' I'd shift more of the tax burden to the 1% of Americans who control 99% of the money and reduce the tax burden on the lower and middle classes. I'd fund a world music consortium because music is the true international language and has been for centuries. Music is the way to hope. Music is the way to peace. Music is the way to love, and love is the greatest of these things. I'd also fund a program to send Christian Fundamentalists to school to learn Greek and Hebrew so they can see what the Bible really says and learn the error of their ways."

After his statement, Cal-el took the reporter down to a bar, bought them each a glass of wine, got up on stage, and played his guitar and his cornet. No word on how he is to get funding since he's on Social Security.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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