Nassau, Bahamas - (Ass Mess): So determined is Anna Nicole Smith's mother Virgie Arthur to get her hands on her maybe-heiress grand daughter Dannielynn that she is preparing to chain herself to the Nassau airport runway in a bid to prevent the baby's Californian photographer father Larry Birkhead taking her back home to the US.
Nassau airport officials are said to be standing by with water cannon and tear gas to move the elephantine Ms Arthur if she shackles herself to the runway or the actual plane that takes her grand daughter out of the country.
"Is she superglues herself to the tarmac we might just have to hose her down with acetic acid - that's vinegar to you and me - which eventually breaks down the glue on contact," an airport security official confirmed today.
"Of course, we could just leave her there to the crows, but animal health officials are worried that the birds could get food poisoning if they were to start pecking at Arthur's corpulent ass in the heat of the midday sun," he continued.
Arthur lost a last minute appeal today to prevent Birkhead leaving the island with his daughter this weekend after a protracted two month hate campaign that his dissed his gender orientation, fitness at paternity and general probity of character.
She knows the stakes are high. Her late daughter was involved in a huge legal fight for her widow's share of a massive $500 million fortune which the little baby now stands to inherit.
Custody and/or official parenting rights could land the avaricious ex-cop from Texas into the bigtime money.
And now Larry Birkhead holds all the aces.