Written by KEN RYNNE
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Friday, 27 April 2007

image for Hillary Dominates Seven Men, Vows Retaliation
Vows to "Retaliate" Oh Baby!

(South Carolina) -- Hillary Clinton has emerged as the leading presidential contender among 8 declared Democratic candidates in the first debate of this 19- month (Jezuz!) election season. Big losers were John Edwards and Barack Obama. Edwards' $400 haircuts and million dollar "hedge funds" did not help his "Two Americas" populist I am one of you pitch. The inexperienced but glossily inspirational Barack Obama who was in junior high when Hillary first planned her campaign pointed to his voting record at the Illinois capital, his good conduct record, and his John Coultrane record.

Chris Dodd said this was the most important election ever as he has said about every election he has participated in. Naturally, he only gets in the big ones. He has lived in DC since his dad was a Senator, a roomate of James A. Garfield, first President named after a fictional cat.

Bill Richardson looked and sounded good, lots of foreign policy, lots of big plans, especially when he explained his long term support of embattled Attorney General Alberto VO5 Gonzales by explaining, "Hey homes, I got his back." At press time no South Carolina women had yet come forward to report any "encounters" with the notoriously "hands on" governor, former member of congress, and born-again prep school Hispanic.

Joe Biden shocked observers by offering a one-word answer, "yes." The question is irrelevant. The answer was, Hemingwayesque from the political Dostoevsky . Paramedics were called to revive apopleptic campaign aides and adviser-to-losing-campaigns Bob Shrum who remains unemployed thus far this season.

Dennis Kucinick said war is bad, I am one you in my middle class home, with my HOT TROPHY WIFE. SADLY, SHE WAS NOT IN EVIDENCE. So Dennis was, well, Dennis. Vaguely weird.

Former Governor of Alaska Mike Gravel (rhymes with death knell) who is legally dead in 48 states railed against war "What's it good for?" and young Biden's "arrogance" in telling the Shah how to run Persia. He provided much needed comic relief when he identified himself as the "senior statesman" on the stage, rippped off a lame old Reagan/Mondale wisecrack, and drolled on himself in a dead-on Zell Miller impersonation as he challenged Chris Matthews to a "dyew-ell."

GOP top-10 debate May 3 at the Reagan Library. As of press time, Actor, Senator, All-Law & Order all the time cable TV star Fred Thompson and his HOT TROPHY WIFE are not expected to attend. DUM-DUM.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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