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Topics: Aliens, Benefits

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Illegal aliens descended upon the nation's capital in mass yesterday. The unwelcome visitors sought to lobby the United States Senate to release a bill from markup committee guaranteeing all resident aliens of the United States full social security benefits regardless of citizenship status.

The obviously coordinated event caused quite a gathering of both curious and horrified onlookers on the streets of Capital Hill. Several people fainted and a number had to be treated for shock. The capital emergency medical corps rushed shaken sight seers to emergency first aid centers for oxygen and fruit juice. For most, if not all Washington residents, and indeed the nation, the sight of 3000 marching gray aliens from the Zeta Reticula Star System was just too much to comprehend and absorb.

At issue was the alien's claim that they have resided in underground facilities at Dulce, New Mexico, Grooms Lake, Nevada, Deep Springs, California, and Hopland, Montana for nearly 400 years. During the last 60 years, they have partnered with the United States Government on joint technological research. Nearly 80% of the gray alien population is over 70 years of age, with 40% of the "grays" admitting to being over 200 years of age. Accordingly, they believe that a number of their population qualify for full Social Security Retirement Benefits including Medicare and Medicare Drug Plan B upon assuming the mandatory retirement age.

A spokesperson for the aliens, a gray skinned, 4'6" thin being with large head and black almond shaped eyes, known only as "Norman", addressed a contingent of media in the lobby of the Senate Russell Building.

"It is past time for my species to be included in this country's retirement program. We have resided in this country longer than any of you, and shared with and produced for you amazing technological breakthroughs like satellite radio, MP3 technology, Viagra, radial tires, breast enlargement devices, and Silly Putty. For our efforts, your government gives us a gold watch at age 200 and keeps our residency a big secret. We want our rightful retirement benefits now, or we are suing for violation of patent rights on Viagra and Silicone Breast Implants," Norman complained.

A spokesperson for the Social Security Administration declined comment. Special assistant to the Assistant CIA Director, and a black operative agent in charge of security for the aliens made this statement:

"Our agency has no knowledge of any shared technology or research between the United States and this alien species. We are aware that they are considered to be a rogue element in the interstellar community and that they are being investigated for possible cattle mutilations. Also their space craft have been observed hovering near bee hives, and Budweiser Beer Distributorships, where later, large quantities of beer have been reported missing. Our investigation further revealed that the creatures have no digestive systems, and take in nutrition through skin osmosis and fine hairs on the backs of their necks. Recently, undercover agents have learned that the grays have been stealing honey from bee farmers and using it as an ingredient with Budweiser Beer and ground up bull testes to make a poultice which they apply to the back of their necks. They, then, utilize the ingredients in the poultice as a recreational drug. This may account for the large number of recent UFO reports of craft flying erratically."

When questioned about the alien problem at today's news conference, the President simply commented, "Hell, you can't find better housekeepers!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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