Revere MA - (Rooters): Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has said that if elected to the White House, she will name her husband the first ever Ambassador of Love. In part, his job would entail much globetrotting, carousing, and participation in flash mobs, in addition to several buffets, and entire lost weekends where he will not be expected to call home to say hi.
"He has told me that in deference to the title First Gentleman, he will in effect be my bitch, and available for any job he is assigned, as long as he can wear a wetsuit at least once."
Speaking to a gathering of highers-up at the Knitting and Purling Semi-Annual Conference in Revere, Massachusetts, Mrs. Clinton wasted no time heaping praise on the job her husband did while in office. "The nineties saw unprecedented economic growth, and the United States was hailed throughout the world as 'cool,' and 'chillaxed.' I am certain that by appropriating certain techniques from Bill's administration, we can return to those glory days."
"Listening to the many voices of our country, particularly those of our young adults, proved critical and invaluable to his understanding of how America can remain a world power." To that end, explained the Senator, she will be heavily recruiting for interns and aides at many of this country's top institutions of higher learning.
The early Democratic frontrunner then took a moment to introduce her newest campaign assistant, Monroe Suxbetturn, a recent graduate in communications and economics from Ball State. "Mr. Suxbetturn has proven to have a great feel for the issues and for what's at stake for all of us in the upcoming election. Additionally, he is the frontman for Lingus, a Kiss tribute band."
When asked if she thought the former President may have senatorial designs of his own in the future, Mrs. Clinton was unsure. She did confirm, however, that he is currently busy on a new book exploring myths and consequences of being terminally hip in an unreasonable world. The book, tentatively titled, "It Takes a Turkish Coffee and a Discotheque," is to make its debut during Red Lobster's Fabulous All-You-Can-Eat Shrimp Week.