(Hollyweird) -- UN Very Special Envoy, International Woman of Mylar, & Compulsive Adopter Angelina Jolie is en route to this sleepy Southern California town to adopt Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.) Father of the Year, Alec Baldwin, star of television, films, and answering machine.
Jolie, contacted in war-ravaged Darfur stated, "I need to go where I am truly needed. Alec has suffered a crushing blow - being ignored for two days running by his own daughter." His daughter Ireland, 11 has refused to come to the phone when dad calls after clubbing the night away in Tinseltown.
"These Darfurians are fine now, at least the ones I have adopted. My work here is done," Angelina, which means "little angel," said as the clouds parted and a paraclete descended amid blinding light and overly dramatic music.
Ms Jolie, which means "with Jol," is expected in LA within hours. Elsewhere in clubs and rehabs within 75 miles of LA, the other Baldwin brothers, which may number as many as 11 at last count, said through a spokesperson that they all "feel like sh*t. She's acting like a little f*cking piggy, a little piggy."
When asked to clarify whether they were referring to estranged wife of Brother Alec, Kim Basinger, 55, or non communicative 11-year-old daughter Ireland, 11, or Saint Jolie the Ageless, the spokesperson grew testy, "Now you are acting like a f*cking little piggy, I am not talking to you any more."
Back in Darfur, the paraclete was very good with mustard. "Tastes like chicken," said a tribal elder through a spokesperson.