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Friday, 20 April 2007

image for Attorney General Gonzales Resigns Amid Bush Gay Sex Scandal
It's ok to be scared, it's ok.

WASHINGTON - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales confronted with an onslaught of calls for his resignation from the bipartisan Senate today announced his resignation.

"The best way to put this behind us is your resignation," Sen. Tom Coburn bluntly told Gonzales, one GOP conservative to another.

Gonzales, hesitant at first, agreed and told the Oklahoma senator he was right and asked him "Will you hold my hand, i feel like a frightened child". The senator smiled coyishly and walk over to Gonzales, and said to him "It's ok to be scared, it's ok".

The exchange punctuated a long day in the witness chair at a Senate hearing for the attorney general. He readily admitted mistakes in the process of the firings of the 8 Prosecutors, and told lawmakers he had "all intentions to deceive them," and added he would make the same firings decision again if it meant getting a leg up in the world.

"At the end of the day, you have to do what helps you gain power, even if it's at the expense of good people" he said.

Gonzales sat alone at the witness table in a crowded room for the widely anticipated hearing. Gonzales had hoped to be a member of President Bush's inner circle, but support from fellow Republicans was at a bare minimum on this day. Obvious to him now, he had been left out to dry. He had been nothing more than a political pawn in a critical attempt for republicans to sway Hispanic votes during elections.

"I have humiliated my race and embarrassed my family greatly, by letting the white man persuade me from my beliefs, all for money, now all for nothing", Gonzales said after first clearing his mouth of a burrito he was enjoying during questioning.

The White House offered absolutely no support. Spokeswoman Dana Perino told reporters, "I think the president was in full Monty" while his attorney general was being drilled by Karl Rove.

Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., questioned Gonzales sharply on his status as a citizen. "Obviously we need to be certain that you are not contributing to immigration violations".

But given Gonzales' reputation for outright denying the truth in the past, the GOP fully expected a lie. One senator even saying the Bush Administration made up Gonzales' entire life history, and wondered if Gonzales was actually lip-syncing through this entire ordeal.

"We have to evaluate whether you are really being forthright," Sen. Arlen Specter bluntly informed the nation's chief law enforcement officer. Later adding "We want all the details of what actually went on in those private meetings with Bush and Rove".

The Pennsylvania Republican said Gonzales' description of his role in the firings was "significantly if not totally at variance with the facts."

"Most of this is a stretch," Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., said after listening to Gonzales' explanation of the dismissals. "It's clear to me that some of these people just had personality conflicts with people in your office or the White House and (they) just made up reasons to fire them."

The attorney general began his turn as a witness after a very wet tongue-lashing from Sen. Patrick Leahy, the committee's chairman.

"Today the Department of Justice is experiencing a crisis of leadership perhaps unrivaled during its 137-year history," said the Vermont Democrat. "There's a growing scandal swirling around the dismissal" of prosecutors, he added.

The hearing room was filled as Gonzales slid into the witness chair at midmorning. Protesters wearing orange garb and pink police costumes were among the spectators. The words "Arrest Gonzales" were duct-taped to their buttocks.

Gonzales has provided differing versions of the events surrounding the firings, first saying he had almost no involvement and later acknowledging that his role was larger - but only after e-mails about meetings he attended were released by the Justice Department to House and Senate committees.

Urged in advance by Republicans to clear up any inconsistencies, Gonzales spoke at times in careful, lawyerly terms, and obvious ploy to confuse the dimwitted people of the room and make them believe he is right after all.

"I now understand there was a meeting with myself and the president," he said at one point. "I was under the impression our secret meetings were to be kept on the down-low, and i'm not trying to out the President or anything", Gonzales said with a wink.

Democrats have stroked to this controversy over the dismissals, suggesting there were political considerations as well as sexual favors. But the first several hours of the hearing produced few if any sexy details.

Finally, Gonzales acknowledged sleeping with Bush and White House adviser Karl Rove about 5 times, while supposedly looking into election fraud cases in New Mexico, where David Iglesias was the U.S. attorney.

The last sexual escapade with Bush occurred on Oct. 11, Gonzales said. Iglesias' name was added to the list of those to be fired between Oct. 17 and Nov. 15 - a week after the November elections. "His firing was due to his knowledge of the sexual affair the President and myself were having" and not due to any wrong doing on his part, he ashamedly admitted.

Gonzales resigned at the end of the day after acknowledging his many wrongs and encouraged the US citizens to call for the impeachment of President Bush. Will his calls fall on deaf ears? Stay tuned, as this is about to get good!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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