The U.S. Department of Homeland Security increased the nation's threat level to "Lavender" following the elimination of Sanjaya Malakar on American Idol Tuesday night.
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff says the elevated status was a precautionary measure. "Millions of pre-teen girls with cell phones were calling in to vote for Malakar, and we are concerned they may use those same phones in a conspiracy to cause panic in the streets."
Malakar supporter Suzy "Che" Dinkins, 11, says cutting Malakar from the competition was a grave mistake. "He's so dreamy! How could anyone not vote for Sanjaya? I'm calling Missy right now!"
Malakar himself denies any connection to the crisis. "I've been so busy with creating new hair doos, how can I possibly organize something like this? I can't hug them all." He said with that big disarming, toothy grin.
National Guard troops are on standby. "We have to be prepared for the worst," Chertoff said. "I've heard some of these girls have sticks and stones that could very well break some bones."
Chertoff says, however, he has a plan that may end the crisis quickly. "We have an emergency stockpile of Bella Sara horse trading cards that we can drop on an unruly mob of third graders. That should fix 'em pretty quick."