(Blacksburg, VA) -- In the wake of the most tragic one-event shooting of innocent American students since the Vietnam War, as well as the coldest and most blustery April on record, US Attorney Generalisimo Alberto VO5 Gonzales, the last non-resigned employee of the US Department of JustUs, has announced postponement of his Congressional testimony scheduled for tomorrow, postponement of an investigation into Karl Rove's missing 5 million emails, and postponement of the 2008 Presidential Elections.
Gonzales expressed deep disappointment in the postponement because he "so wanted" to tell Congress the whole truth about "his rogue aide's" sacking 8 of the finest attorneys he has "never known." The embattled Attorney General also called for amendment of the 22 Amendment to provide for "a few more years" whenever there is a national tragedy. Cynical critics, Democrats mostly, suggested that Gonzo was running down the game clock to the inaugural on January 20, 2009.
The Department of Homeland Security, FEMA, and Hilliburton Cost Overruns, announced through Homeland Czar Negroponte that "we need a National Disaster Czar" along with "a War Czar," and a spelling Czar to determine whether the word is Czar or Tsar. Negroponte also called for a postponement of the hunt for Bin Laden - not going to comment, too grave a disaster, said Ponte, who is not actually a Negro.
In a non related item, disgraced football great, criminally not-guilty accused killer, and civilly adjudged wrongful death defendant OJ Simpson, announced that he will postpone the search for the real killers due to the day's tragedy, as he rounded the 9th hole at Pebble Beach.
Vice President Richard B A Dick Cheney was not available for comment, on vacation in the Virginia countryside quail hunting with lesbian daughter Mary, great with child, old lawyer friends, and paramedics.