DISSOCIATED PRESS - Several stars of cable TV news, previously uninterested in pursuing the White House "missing e-mails" story, have vowed to devote every minute of their programs to assisting in the quest to find them until every last lost missive is found.
The reason for their sudden interest? Recent information from watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) indicates that all of the potentially missing five million e-mails are believed to have been young, blond, white, middle-class and attractive.
"This cannot stand," said Nancy Grace from the set of her CNN Headline News program. "This is a horrible story, and there is no way, after having lost my fiance in a terrible murder and exploited his death for my own profit ever since, that I could not sympathize with the friends and relatives of these e-mails. I am flying to Aruba this week to ensure that detectives stay on this story until the very last missing e-mail is found and the people who kidnapped them are brought to justice."
When informed that the e-mails went missing from the White House and not in Aruba, and that IT personnel were likely to be more helpful in solving the problem than detectives, Grace retorted, "Then I'll go to Washington. And I'll bring the best IT people in the world down there with me. We will not stop until the grieving families of those missing e-mails learn what has happened to them and the killers are punished. Of course, I already know who did it--those Duke lacrosse players! I won't rest until I have them all hanged from the highest tree for this outrage."
Greta Van Susteren of Fox News Channel was equally determined. "Nancy can forget about bringing the best IT people to Washington with her," she said. "I will have the best IT team and we WILL find those e-mails and we WILL find out who was responsible for their disappearance. I don't care what anyone says about us spending too much time on this story instead of focusing on other more important ones. The families and friends of these e-mails will appreciate my help in finding the correspondence they so dearly loved and miss, and I am determined to give them that help."
When notified that Van Susteren and her team intended to conduct a thorough search of the White House file server for the e-mails, Fox News Channel president Roger Ailes was heard to say, "Hmm. It sounds as if Greta is becoming a bit too stressed due to the pressures of her job. I do believe she is overdue for a small vacation. I've heard that hunting in the woods can be a nice break from the stress and strain of hosting a news program. Perhaps I can call my good friend Dick Cheney to take her out there and show her what can happen to a person who--er, I mean, help her return to work relaxed and refreshed."
Meanwhile, former MSNBC news personality Rita Cosby could barely contain her frustration. "This story was MADE for me," she rasped from the stool of a nearby bar. "I mean, we all know who the father of Anna Nicole's baby is now, so THAT story is, well, you could call it, dead. Ha ha, I made a funny! But seriously, people, this is a story I could cover like no one else. Those poor missing, beautiful young e-mails. I can only imagine what kind of sick, perverted person would try to make them vanish in their prime of life. That person needs to answer for what he has done, and I am just the person to make him do it. But right now I'm out of a job. I don't know what to do! Right now, all I can do is sit around and drink with Don Imus and bitch about what an awful place MSNBC was to work. I should be OUT THERE, people, covering this story that is so crucial to the families and friends of these poor missing e-mails! Trust me, as soon as I can get back on the air covering this story, I will!"
Imus, asked for a response because he was sitting on the next barstool over from Cosby, hiccuped and said, "Ah kun relate to Rituhz job problem but I doan get'er about these mishing e-mailsh. Who the *CENSORED* caresh about a bunch a' dumb bunny blond ho e-mails? I don't give a *CENSORED*. Let 'em vanish f'r'all I care. Fer *CENSORED*'s shake."
MSNBC's only comment on the story, via a spokesperson, was: "We already have Keith Olbermann covering the missing e-mail story, OK? For some stupid reason, he thought it was important to cover BEFORE we found out they were young, cute and blond. Don't ask us why. Anyway, none of the rest of us really thinks it's that big a deal. Didn't you guys know--we FIRED Don Imus? Now THAT'S a REAL story!"