Dangerous Dioxin Levels Found in L.A. Communion Wafers
This rat takes communion twice a week
Los Angeles: The Los Angeles Diocese of the Holy Roman Catholic Church confirmed on Monday reports that an independent research laboratory found exceptionally high levels of the deadly chemical dioxin in several shipments of sanctified communion wafers.
The wafers, which were all from the same supplier and were used only in the Los Angeles area, were evaluated as containing 37 ppm (parts per million) of dioxin, widely considered to be the most carcinogenic substance known to medical science. The standard FDA threshold for food products is 2 ppm.
In laboratory experiments on rats, the wafers caused fatal cancerous tumors in 100% of the cases.
However, church leaders have downplayed the importance of the findings, pointing out that no one ever consumes communion wafers in quantity, whereas the laboratory had force-fed the rats massive amounts of the tainted hosts.
"It's ridiculous," protested Father F. X. LeCorps of the parish of Saint Bartholomew's, "Yes, it's true that our wafers have a high dioxin content, but to ingest as much of the carcinogen as those rats did in the lab you'd have to take holy communion 10,000 times a week."
L.A. Man Sets World Record by Taking Holy Communion 10,000 Times in One Week
Flechting - Holier than thou
Los Angeles: A local Catholic man, Eugene Ulrich Flechting, worshipped his way into the Guinness Book of World Records last Tuesday by completing 10,000 rites of holy communion in the space of just one week.
Kneeling non-stop at his local church, Saint Bartholomew's, with five priests officiating in shifts, he took communion at the rate of nearly once per minute for an entire week, completing his 10,000th ritual at five minutes to midnight exactly seven days after beginning the exploit.
Flechting , a 34-year-old computer technician who describes himself as "very, very devout", reported that he was "happy and refreshed, not tired at all" after a solid week of 24-hour piety, adding that he undertook the feat to generate publicity for his faith as well as for personal reasons.
As he explained, "Now my mind is at ease. After this, there's no way in hell I'm not going to heaven when I die. And with all the juice I've built up with the Big Guy this week, that shouldn't be for quite some time now."
Medical Community Stunned by Zero Cancer Rate Among LA Catholics
Tests prove it *is* a miracle
Los Angeles: A study at LA County General Hospital revealed some shocking results on Wednesday: its statistics seem to show that the area's devout Catholics never get cancer. The hospital had been compiling a statistical database of cancer patients, hoping to discern behavioral patterns that might be of use in preventing the disease.
All Los Angeles cancer patients for the past 15 years have answered a battery of questions about their medical history, family background, diet, lifestyle, and -- incidentally -- religion. The study showed that not one single practicing Roman Catholic had developed a malignant tumor in Los Angeles County for the past 15 years, irrespective of all other factors, such as smoking or exposure to pollution, radiation, toxins, etc.
Researcher Bernan L. Frevver explained, "It's only the really pious Catholics who seem to be immune -- the ones who go to confession regularly, never skip mass and take communion at least once per week." Doctors and church leaders were surprised by the findings and at a loss to explain them except for what Frevver called "the psychosomatic factor".
He went on to explain that "some people seem to be inexplicably impervious to certain diseases, even very contagious ones, simply because of their positive, hopeful attitude. We think that maybe these Catholics are protected somehow by their faith."
The "Los Angeles miracle", as it is already being called in the Catholic press, is the only such case on record. Catholics in other areas of the country exhibit the same cancer rate as the general population.
Pope Announces New Guidelines for Access to Heaven
Rome: Pope Benedict announced on Thursday that God had handed down to him new guidelines for admission to eternal empyrean paradise. An official communique from the Vatican stated, in part, that "so many righteous souls have entered the kingdom of heaven over the centuries that there is hardly any room left at either hand of God. Keep in mind that the world's population increases geometrically each year and that, due to church dogma, an increasing percentage of that population are Catholics."
"Over the years," the Pope's statement continued, "God has at various times instituted afterlife population control by redefining what constitutes an acceptable level of mortal sin or exactly how contrite an act of contrition has to be in order to qualify as 'perfect'. More recently, He set speed limits on how fast you could perform certain rituals, like reciting a Hail Mary or receiving holy communion, and still have it count. Suicides are still rejected, of course, and we've kept non-believers out from the very beginning, but now those criteria, which all focus on how true believers live, are not enough to keep the celestial headcount down to a manageable level. So God decided to take a look at how true believers die as well, and He has asked me to make known His decision that from now on only members of the clergy and cancer victims will be admitted to heaven. It was a tough decision, and I know it seems arbitrary, but He had to draw the line somewhere."
LA Man Hijacks Plane
A picture of the man
Los Angeles: A man giving his name as Imat Al Ibnow and claiming to be a recent convert to Islam commandeered a plane at Los Angeles International Airport on Friday morning.
He boarded KLM flight 11115 to Amsterdam at 10:00 am, unshaven and wearing a burnoose.
Fellow passengers reported that the suspect seemed to be "sleep-starved, malnourished and possibly a bit tipsy" and that he had bandages on both knees.
Once in the air, the hijacker pulled a hand grenade from the folds of his flimsy garment and diverted the aircraft to Tehran, demanding that he be allowed to "meet with my new brothers, people who can really understand me".
Immediately upon arrival in Iran, Ibnow collapsed and was rushed to a local hospital where he was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer. Apparently in a state of delirium, he repeatedly pleaded with the hospital staff to "take him back to Saint Bartholomew's".
The US Justice Department has begun extradition proceedings to bring him back to the US to face trial. Passengers and crew of the ill-fated flight were unharmed and were allowed to continue on to the Netherlands after refueling.