Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced through the Pentagon that American forces now serving in Iraq will be ordered to extend their tours of duty, stay there from now and never come home.
President Bush praised Gates' decision. "It was actually MY decision", Bush said.
In the past some soldiers had complained of poor food, living in tents in 100 degree heat, no sex, infrequent contact with loved ones, inadequate washroom facilities, no alcohol allowed and being under the constant threat of imminent death. Bush dismissed those complaints.
"Tell them to stop being such babies", Bush told a reporter this afternoon. "They sign up to serve their country and there's no timetable on that".
"We expect all soldiers to extend their tour of duty for the remainder of their natural lives", Gates said to a reporter this afternoon. "It's very expensive for us to keep sending troops in and out, in and out, in and out. It's much cheaper and more efficient just to leave them there".
"I hate this fucking place", said soon-to-be-former Lt John Wesley. "I want to get out of here, fuck my wife, drink beer and sleep in a god damned bed!"
Gates said Wesley will be court-marshalled and thrown in jail for the next 20 years.
"It's still better than this", Wesley replied to Gates threat.
"You can't even see a naked lady here", said a soldier who asked not be named. "All the women are covered in tarps and veils and shit. My commanding officer is starting to look good to me".
The soldier's commanding officer agreed with his underling's statement. "You better not publish our names. This is strictly 'don't ask, don't tell' here".
Gates assured the soldiers that they will have to spend the rest of their lives there but that probably won't be more than five years.